


A Secret Inside of Me

by anyrei, mugglerock



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angst, Be Prepared for the Least Amount of Tags We've Ever Listed:, Bottom Castiel, But Trust Us, Canon Compliant Through S13, Canon Typical Violence, Drama, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Horror Elements, It’s Worth the Risk, Just Some Good Old Fashioned Gay Sex, M/M, Memory Loss, Oral Sex, Post Season 13, Purposely Not Tagging for Spoiler Reasons, Top Dean, Unsafe Sex, and Some of S14, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-01 21:48:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20265040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock
Summary: When Dean wakes up, clad in just a pair of boxers, in a bed that is definitely not his, in a room that is definitely not in the bunker, he wrongly assumes that he ended up going home with a stranger. That is, until he realizes Cas is beside him, equally undressed and fast asleep.What the hell is going on?If you read this anywhere that is not ao3 this content was stolen without the author's consent! Pls don't support thieves! Read this on ao3!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Any here:** I didn’t tag specific things for spoiler reasons.
> 
> Frankie here: So, yeah. We can assure there’s no non-con, no MCD, but that’s all we’re telling you. :D
> 
> **Any here:** Also it’s just Dean and Cas in the love story part. If that helps. But I won’t say any more. Shhh!
> 
> Frankie here: our lips are sealed! Lolol, but we hope you like it. :D
> 
> **Any here:** Have fun :D
> 
> Frankie here: Also, [Eyes_of_a_Tragedy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eyes_of_a_Tragedy/pseuds/Eyes_of_a_Tragedy) and [tfw_cas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tfw_cas/pseuds/tfw_cas), how do we love thee? Let us count the ways. One: you guys are fucking fast. Like, crazy fast. Thanks to these incredible lalaladies, you're getting a lot of content that's been written and ready to post, just waiting on beta work. Including our upcoming surprise that we'll start posting next week! Eeeek! 
> 
> Two: Fuck you for being so goddamn good. Catching all of our fuck ups. We have a lot, folx, like a lot a lot. We just kind of free write (sort of), so unexpected breaks (because we write live) with no pauses when we do, we punch out the words, half the time on our phones (and say it with me folx, FUCK YOU AUTOCORRECT). And they catch it all. It's magic, my dudes. So, yeah. We fucking love you guys. 
> 
> P.S. You can follow us on our joint tumblr [here](https://the-real-anyrock.tumblr.com/)!

**Chapter 1**

Warm sun rays tickled his nose, and Dean groaned as his consciousness desperately tried to cling to the nice dream he was having. That was until his mind quietly asked him why there were sun rays in an underground bunker.

His eyes flew open, and he immediately registered two things. One: he wasn’t in his room in the bunker, but a warm and sun-drenched bedroom (that looked rather homey), and two: he was not alone in bed. Someone was lying beside him, and if Dean took in his own state of undress – wearing just his boxers – it was probably a woman he’d had sex with. But why couldn’t he remember?

He carefully turned around, hoping that seeing the lucky lady would jog his memory. Dean gasped when he recognized the messy mop of dark brown hair, currently softly snoring into the pillow next to him. 

Cas! What the hell was going on? Why was Cas laying next to him – probably in the same state of undress, judging by the amount of tan skin showing above the blanket?

Dean slid backwards from the bed and got up, quickly grabbing the discarded jeans from the floor before he pulled them on. His gaze fell on a picture on the nightstand. It was a photo of him and Cas, where they both smiled dopily into the camera. Dean couldn’t remember that picture being taken.

What the hell? He needed answers.  _ Now. _

“Cas?” he asked carefully as he stepped around the bed, looking down at his best friend, who was still sleeping with his face pressed into the pillow. His five o’clock shadow was more prominent on his face and it was creeping Dean out to see him sleep. Since when did Cas need to sleep? “Hey, Sunshine, wake up.”

Cas groaned before Dean was greeted by sleepy blue eyes blinking at him. “Just five more minutes, Dean,” he growled.

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Cas? Why are you sleeping? Where are we?” He was ignoring the question of why they shared a bed... for now.

That appeared to wake him up as Cas’s eyes widened and he sat up on the bed. Finally. 

But his friend’s reply wasn’t what Dean had expected. “You don’t know where you are?” Cas asked carefully, his expression turned heartbroken. “What is the last thing you remember?”

“Um, we… we were fighting Lucifer… and… he stole Jack’s powers. And I – I …” He looked down and away from Cas. 

“You said yes to Michael,” Cas finished his sentence and it was clear from his intonation that he wasn’t happy about it.

“Yeah.” Dean rubbed his hand over his face. “So what happened?”

Cas sighed deeply. “A lot.” He stood up from the bed and Dean averted his eyes when he noticed Cas was only wearing his underwear.  _ Seriously, what the hell? _

Cas went over to a small dresser and picked up a phone from the surface before he walked up to Dean. “I know you’re confused and full of questions. Sit down, I’ll try to explain.” He pointed to the bed and Dean sat down on the edge, waiting for Cas to sit next to him. He tried to avoid looking at Cas’s bare chest and arms, which were a lot more defined than he would have suspected with the bulky clothes he usually wore. 

He was clearly caught staring; Cas cleared his throat and grabbed a t-shirt from the floor before he pulled it over his head. Dean recognized the shirt. It was his old, grey AC/DC shirt. “Michael possessed you, and we did our best to free you from his grasp. Remember all those years ago, when we hunted down Raphael and what I said would happen to you if Michael possessed you? Your brain was damaged. Severely. I healed what I could… but you still suffer from amnesia from time to time. You just forget things.”

It was a lot to take in. “What… what happened? Did we win?” he asked, not knowing what he should feel. “Where’s Sam?”

Cas licked over his own lips and looked down at his lap. “Sam is in California. He is very happy. You can call him if you want.” His friend gave him a sad smile before he nodded. “And yes, we won.” He reached over to hand Dean the phone. “This is yours. You recorded a video message for yourself… in case this happened again and you… you forgot everything.”

For some reason Dean couldn’t look away from Cas’s expression. He knew there was something his friend wasn’t telling him. “Where are we, Cas?”

Cas swallowed visibly before he replied, “We’re still in Kansas. This is our home.”

_ “Our? _ Like as in yours and mine?”

Cas nodded softly and Dean felt his chest constrict. He chuckled nervously before he slowly stood up from the bed. “Why would we… um, that doesn't make any sense. You’re not saying that we’re, uh…  _ you know…” _

Cas took in another deep breath before he stood up from the bed. His voice sounded defeated, “I'm going to make breakfast. Watch the video, Dean.” Cas grabbed a pair of jeans from the chair next to the bed and left the room. Dean was trying his best to not freak out.

This couldn’t be happening! He pressed the button on his phone and the screen lit up. The first thing he saw was a background picture of him and Cas sitting on a pier, the sun setting in the background. He had his arm around Cas and was smiling. A real smile. It was surreal. He wasn’t gay, for fuck’s sake! Cas was his best friend. This couldn’t be real. And still his heart clenched when he saw how happy they both appeared in the picture. Cas looking so... human. And not just because he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. 

He shook his head as he opened the photo album and found the video. The thumbnail was a still of his mug. “Son of a bitch,” he murmured before he inhaled deeply and pressed play.

The Dean in the video smirked into the camera before he cleared his throat. “So, you’re watching this because you lost your memories, again. Yeah, been there, done that… so to save you the confusion, I recorded this. Yeah, your own  _ Fifty First Dates  _ deal. Figured you, and knowing how I am, would be more likely to believe this if it came from yourself. Man, that's… yeah. So Michael did a number on us. Of course he didn’t let me go; so Sam, Cas, and Rowena found a way to trap him and get me out. But yeah… let me tell you, it wasn't exactly a walk in the park. Anyway, kind of messed with my head. I heard voices and saw stuff that wasn't there. It wasn’t pretty. Cas did what he could and he… he used his grace to put my brain back together. So, if you're wondering why he’s human… that's why.” 

There was a pause and Dean recognized the expression on his own face. It was guilt. His doppelganger in the video cleared his throat. “I owe him a lot. He’s so fucking patient with me, every time this happens, even though I know it’s friggin’ hard on him, that I keep forgetting what happened between us... Um, just in case, if you're watching this and forgot about him. He’s the angel that raised us from perdition, your best friend, and for the past year, he’s also, uh… we’re together.”

_ The hell? _ Dean shook his head and before he could think about it any further, Dean in the video kept talking, “And I know what you're thinking. I'm not gay… how did this happen? Well, let me remind you of something we never told anyone. You had a sex dream about Cas back when you met him and you liked it. And I know what we did sometimes in the shower, even though we were in denial about it.” His counterpart looked thoughtful for a moment. “Maybe you also forgot about that, but I didn’t, so… I hope… Just don't be a dick to him. He deserves better, man.”

Video him rubbed his hand over his face in frustration before he added quietly, “Sammy is at a pretty good place right now. Maybe, you know, call him. If you have any questions… or ask Cas. I know this is all very confusing. Seriously, I get it. I wish I had a video like this the first time it happened. But… yeah, you have a life now. It’s a good one, despite the stupid memory losses from time to time. You’re happy. And I know that is probably the most unreal part of the whole situation. But yeah, we’re good. Our life is good. So, don’t fuck it up.” 

The video ended and Dean put his phone next to him on the bed, shaking his head. It was a lot to take in, and he still couldn’t believe it was real. Maybe a Djinn got to him or whatever, that made more sense. 

He stood up and paced through the bedroom before he grabbed the phone again to see if there was more. He found pictures from a year ago, pictures he remembered taking; like a shot of a newspaper article when he and Sam had a case. Or a downloaded image of a cute manga girl with big tits. But there were also newer ones, mostly with Cas in them. The newest picture showed Cas sitting among blue flower beds, a small shovel in his hand as he was obviously planting something. Cas looked like he had been unaware of the picture being taken of him, concentrating on his work. He looked incredibly human in it.

Dean swallowed when he remembered what video him had said in the video. 

_ He used his grace to put my brain back together. So if you're wondering why he is human… that's it. _

Cas had sacrificed his grace to save him. Dean shook his head and scoffed. Typical. The guy never thought about himself. Always quick to throw his own life away, as if Cas’s life didn’t count for anything. It made Dean angry. Because he still remembered the pain he had felt when Lucifer killed Cas. Like half of him had died in that moment too. 

He wasn’t kidding himself. He knew how much Cas meant to him, but he still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that they seemed to be a couple now. That was just so weird. 

Of course the other him from the video was right. In the past he  _ did _ sometimes have thoughts of Cas that weren’t exactly how someone should think of their best friend. But it didn’t  _ mean _ anything. Just a harmless fantasy that didn’t hurt anyone. How did he go from the occasional fantasy to  _ being _ with Cas?

He opened his messages and clicked on Cas’s name in his phone, finding tons of short messages they must have exchanged at some point. He just quickly scrolled over them, seeing that it was mostly pretty mundane stuff, like Cas reminding him to buy eggs and milk on his way home. There were a lot of emojis from Cas’s end, but Dean was already used to that. For some reason, Cas loved to use them, no matter if they fit the context or not. But he noticed messages from his end like, “I miss you,” or, “can’t wait to see you tonight.” He had to laugh when he scrolled further back and stopped at a random point, finding another conversation where he had asked Cas what he was wearing and Cas answered with, “The same thing I wore this morning when you saw me. Why are you asking?”

It was so typically Cas. He laughed at the eyeroll emoji he had answered Cas with. A quick peek to the messages later revealed how he obviously had taught Cas what sexting was. He didn’t read it, quickly closing the messages again. It was weird, but it almost felt like he had read private messages of other people, even though it was his own phone and it had been himself that had written those things at the time. Just that he couldn't remember.

He wondered if those memories would come back to him or if they would be forever lost. Dean stood up before he hesitantly left the room, trying to find Cas. He also took the time to look around their home. It seemed to be a small house. Their bedroom was on the second floor, and he could see a bathroom across the hallway. He walked down the wooden stairs, ending up in a cozy living room with a dark leather couch and a TV before he walked over to an open door that seemed to lead into the kitchen. The radio was playing a song from Led Zeppelin, and he could hear Cas working in there.

It was surreal. It sounded like they had stopped hunting for some reason. And that he and his brother had normal lives now. 

Dean leaned against the doorframe, watching Cas as he made what looked like pancakes. He had no idea Cas could even do that. Not that he was useless in the kitchen. Dean remembered Cas often made him coffee and sandwiches when he stayed with them in the bunker. “Cas?” he asked softly, trying to not startle the guy.

Cas turned around from the stove, giving him a pained look. “How are you feeling?” he asked as he handed him a cup of coffee. The print on the cup was Rocky, the cartoon squirrel. He had never seen it before. 

His thoughts must have been obvious because Cas explained, “You bought it when we moved here. You wanted your own cup. I don’t know why you chose this, though.”

Dean had an idea though. He hummed before he took a sip from the coffee. It was perfect, like always. It felt good that at least a few things didn't change. 

“Cas… my memories. Will they come back?” he asked after a moment.

Cas didn’t look at him. “Sometimes. Not all of them, though.”

“How often have I forgotten about… this past year?” He didn’t want to say, how often he had forgotten about Cas and that they seemed to be in a relationship. He wasn’t stupid or blind. He could see Cas was struggling with this too.

Cas swallowed and turned back to his pancakes. “This is the fourth time,” he murmured after a moment, "You usually start to remember bits and pieces after a few days.”

Dean carded his fingers through his hair. “Damn, I'm sorry.”

Cas turned around, giving him a sad smile. “You say that every time. And I always tell you that it's not your fault. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to fix you completely.”

Dean stood up, and before he could stop himself he drew Cas in a tight embrace. When he leaned back, he looked down at him with a frown. “Hey, from what I heard back there you sacrificed your grace to fix me.” Dean shook his head. “You always save me, Cas.”

Cas gave him a small half-smile, shaking his head. “My motives were rather selfish. I just can't lose you.”

“You’re probably the only person in the world who would think of that as selfish.” For a moment he got lost in Cas’s blue eyes before he realized that this all had a different context now. He cleared his throat and stepped back before awkwardly bumping into the small kitchen table behind him. “So um, you and me, mh? How did that happen?”

Cas sighed and looked away again, turning the pancakes. “Do you really want to know? If you don’t remember lov– I mean, I don’t expect anything from you.”

He could see Cas biting down on his lower lip, obviously trying to hold back his feelings. “How long did it take for me the last time? To remember that we were a thing.”

Cas shook his head before he turned off the stove and rushed past him. “I can't do this again, Dean. I'm sorry.”

“Cas!” Dean walked after him, catching up with him as Cas reached the garden behind the house. A garden that was full of little blue, lilac flowers. “Cas, wait,” he begged.

Cas stopped, kneeling between the flowers as he rubbed his hand over his face. “Forget me not,” he whispered as he pointed to the flowers. 

Dean knelt next to him, before he put his hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

“Last night you kissed me,” Cas breathed out. “You just started to remember and I thought – ” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Talk to me Cas,” Dean quietly urged. “Come on.”

Cas slid his hand through the tiny flowers before he shook his head again. “I thought this time maybe… everything would work out. That today would be the day we would have our relationship back. I didn’t expect you to forget everything again and that we would have to start all over.”

Damn. Dean had no idea what to say to that. It was like Cas was losing him over and over, and there was nothing they could do. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Dean.” Cas shook his head and gave him a quick smile. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I… I shouldn’t complain, and the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable.”

Dean squeezed his arm, shaking his head, “Hey, the way I see it, you have every right to feel frustrated with this situation. So how about this? We eat your awesome pancakes together and you give me the cliff notes of what I missed, alright? You can show me around the house, maybe it will trigger some memories. What do you say?”

Cas gave him a soft nod and a smile. It was nice to see him smile. 

Dean licked over his suddenly too dry lips when his curiosity wondered how it felt to kiss Cas. He could admit to himself that his lips were pretty sexy. 

Cas tilted his head. “What?”

Apparently Dean had been staring at him and now he felt like a creeper. “Um, nothing… I just… nothing.” He stood up from the ground and held out his hand to help Cas up. 

“Did you plant all those?” Dean asked, reluctantly letting go of Cas’s warm hand. 

“Yes,” Cas looked sad again. “For every memory you lost.” He turned around to look at Dean, giving him another smile before he added, “You already told me that I’m an idiot for doing this.”

Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’s shoulder and walked back to the house with him, trying not to choke up with the sheer amount of flowers growing in the garden. “Yeah, you’re an idiot,” he murmured softly before he pulled Cas into a hug again. 

He had no idea what to say. But in the end it didn’t matter because he felt Cas relaxing against him after a moment. It made him realize that he wasn’t completely powerless. That he could do something. He could make Cas feel better. 

And he had all intentions of listening to his own voice from the video. He wouldn’t fuck this up. Cas had given everything for him. And he continued to give everything. It was time for him to get something back. And Dean was determined to do so.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

After breakfast Cas showed him around their house before he showed him, on a map, that they weren't far away from the bunker. Although they tried the normal life, Dean had apparently wanted to stay close to the bunker. Just in case something happened, and they got pulled right back into the hunter life.

He had learned that, a few months back, Cas found a job that paid pretty well, and gave him the luxury of staying home to look after Dean. He worked as a translator for ancient languages. Dean instantly felt guilty that Cas was doing all the work, earning money to pay for their house when he learned that due to his memory problems it was hard for Dean to keep a job. 

Cas tried to convince him that it wasn’t a problem. That he loved the fact that Dean was at home with him. He told him that Dean fixed a lot of things in the house, that he did most of the housework, and went shopping and cooked for them. Cas even told him that Dean was the one who taught him how to make pancakes. 

"It's a good life that we have," Cas told him when they sat outside on the porch, looking over the garden, drinking a beer together. “And I still hope the memory losses will get better over time.”

"Will they?" Dean asked after a moment.

Cas fiddled at the label of the beer bottle for a moment before he answered. "I honestly don't know." He looked at Dean, giving him a soft smile. "But I know you're strong and very resilient. I believe you will get better."

Dean waved him off and shook his head. He felt weirdly embarrassed every time Cas paid him a compliment. “Is there anything that may have worked in the past? To trigger memories? Is there something I could do?”

Cas smiled and got up, disappearing into the house for a moment. When he returned, he was holding a mixtape. He handed it to Dean as he sat down again. “You made a mixtape of the songs you said reminded you of me. It’s helped in the past.”

Dean gave him a quick smile before he chuckled and shook his head. “Made you another one, huh? When was that?”

Cas grabbed his beer and said, “Shortly after our first kiss.”

Dean rolled the bottle between his palms, giving Cas a sideways glance. “You don’t have to answer, but… how did that happen? We were… are just friends.”

That was met with a soft sigh. “After you were healed, I struggled with my humanity. You insisted on showing me the ‘perks’ and took me on several outings. You called them man-dates. We went fishing a lot, to a baseball game, some sillier outings like laser tag and miniature golf. But without my grace muting my emotions, I quickly realized I was in love with you.”

Cas paused for a moment, gaze hyper focused on his beer. “I knew you couldn’t reciprocate, so I distanced myself from you, put an end to our man-dates. You didn’t take it well… we started fighting more and more and one day, no longer having a firm grasp on my emotions, I kissed you to shut you up.”

Dean raised his eyebrows, he almost forgot how to breathe. “What happened then?” He asked breathlessly, because he wasn’t sure in that moment what he would have done in that situation. Which was a weird thought, considering this had happened to him.

“You shoved me away in horror. Told me you weren’t gay, and we didn’t talk for almost a week,” he confessed, focus still on his beer.

Dean grimaced and took a big gulp from his beer. That sounded a lot like him. He knew he would have reacted the same. Hell, his reaction just this morning told him as much. Just that now he’d had the whole day to get used to the thought that Cas seemed to have romantic feelings for him, and he… he wasn’t as disturbed about it as he thought he would be. The video message had helped a lot. Being confronted with thoughts and fantasies he had himself in his past, stuff he could still remember and knew they were real – it somehow made him accept the idea that under the right circumstances, Cas and him had grown into something more. 

Next to Sam, Cas was the most important person in his life. Someone he couldn’t live without. And to think that despite everything Cas was still with him, that he had never left his side, it just made sense that they had grown closer over time.

“I’m sorry, Cas,” he replied after a moment. “What happened then? Did you kick my stupid ass?”

Cas let out a soft laugh; it was a resigned and sad sound. “No, your brother did, well… not physically. Verbally.”

That made sense. “Yeah, he was always more chill with stuff like that,” Dean shrugged and took another sip from his beer. “That still doesn’t explain how he managed to persuade me to try this.”

Cas gave him a half hearted smile. “It didn’t happen overnight. In fact, I assumed it would never happen, but your brother started setting me up with online dating websites and after my third date, you started becoming agitated…” he shook his head and laughed softly. “I thought I was helping, even though I wasn’t interested in any of those people, but I thought if you saw me trying to date other people, you would see that I wasn’t waiting or pining for you. At least, that was what Sam said.”

Dean chuckled mirthlessly. “Sam was wrong." He emptied his bottle in one go before he swiped the back of his hand over his lips. "But I was probably terrified to lose you to someone."

Cas nodded. “That’s what you told me. We fought again, and I told you if you weren’t okay with me dating someone else, then maybe  _ you _ should take me on a real date. I never thought you’d accept the challenge.”

Dean laughed at that. He shook his head trying to wrap his head around this. This was his life somehow, and he couldn't remember any of it. 

He looked down at his empty bottle before he gave Cas a quick pained look. "I'm sorry I forgot all of this. I... I still have to wrap my head around the fact that this is my life now."

“I know,” he said with another resigned sigh. Cas stood up, taking his now empty beer bottle. “Would you like another beer?”

"Yeah." He reached up to wrap his fingers around Cas's wrist. "I just wanted you to know... that I... I kind of get that this happened between us. I still remember a lot of our time together, and next to Sammy you're the most important person to me. So... I just... I just need some time."

Cas nodded mutely and gave him another half-hearted smile. “I’ll be right back.”

Dean rubbed his hand over his face before he pulled out his phone and called Sammy's number. After the third ring his brother answered, sounding tired. "Hey, Sammy, it's me."

“Dean! What’s up?” Sam sounded happy to hear from him.

Dean pinched the back of his nose before he breathed out, "So, I woke up this morning and... I have no idea what happened to me."

Sam sighed. “Shit. Is Cas nearby?”

"He's getting a beer. Fuck, Sammy. Is it true? Is my brain fried because of Michael?" 

There was a beat of silence before he said, “Honestly, you’re lucky to be alive.”

Dean took in a deep breath. So it was true. This was really his life now. It wasn't that he hadn't believed Cas, but hearing this again from his brother... it kind of cemented it. "Damn it. Cas told me this happened before. That I forget stuff. Fuck, Cas and I apparently are in a relationship? How is that even something you forget?"

Instead of answering, Sam asked, “Can you hand Cas the phone?”

Dean frowned before he slowly stood up from the porch. "Yeah... um, sure." It was weird that Sam was so adamant to speak to Cas instead of talking to him. He wondered what that was about when he went back into the kitchen, finding him at the fridge. "Cas, Sam wants to talk to you."

Cas nodded, seemingly unsurprised as he took the phone from Dean and stepped out of the kitchen with the phone. “Hello, Sam.”

Dean didn't follow him, but he stayed close enough so he could listen to what they were talking about. Because they were behaving weirdly.

There was silence for a beat before Cas sighed. “I don’t know. I thought he was doing well; it had been the longest he had gone without a relapse…”

Dean swallowed hard as he leaned against the table in the kitchen and continued to listen. He wondered if they were keeping stuff from him. Maybe whatever he had was more serious than he thought.

“I know, Sam. It’s just… it isn’t getting easier. Almost the opposite…”

Dean frowned, leaning quietly closer to the door. It was a shame he couldn't hear what Sam was saying. He wondered what they were talking about.

Cas let out a mirthless laugh. “You aren’t the idiot who foolishly started looking at places for a vacation.”

_ Vacation?  _ What the hell were they talking about? 

“I know, I know I said I was going to just stay in the moment, but Dean seemed… he’d been doing so well that when he suggested a beach vacation…” Cas sighed again. “I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.”

And then he got it. He and Cas had planned to go on a vacation together, and he not only forgot everything about that, but their entire relationship. 

Dean felt bad for the mistrust he felt towards both of them. Sam had known about it, and probably how sad this would make Cas. 

Damn it. He really had no idea why Cas was doing this to himself either. He deserved something better. 

“I can’t, Sam. Even though the odds of him not being able to accept it…  _ us.  _ Or the odds of it happening while he’s at a bar and…” There was a pause. Cas cleared his throat, but when he spoke again, his voice cracked, “I can’t give up on him, Sam.”

Dean bit hard on his lower lip to keep his emotions in check. He was causing Cas so much pain, and still the guy refused to give up on him. Cas was _ always _ there for him. That had never changed. Dean had no idea how he deserved him, but damn it, he was incredibly grateful in that moment; and a huge part of him just wanted to go over there and pull Cas into a hug. And never let go.

There was a quiet sniffle and another soft throat clearing. “It doesn’t change the fact that I love him.” After another beat, he said, “I will just have to remember to stay in the moment.”

Fuck, he felt his eyes burning now too, and he angrily wiped at them before he told himself, fuck it! He walked out of the kitchen and up to Cas with a determined expression before he drew him into a tight hug, whispering, "Get off the phone."

Cas gasped and said a bemused, “Sam, we’ll call you later.” He put the phone down on the table behind the couch and wrapped his arms around Dean’s torso. “Dean?” he asked, entirely confused. 

He pressed Cas closer, trying to say something, but he came up with nothing. He hadn't planned that far. He just needed Cas to stop being so heartbroken. It took him a few minutes, pressing his face against Cas's throat before he whispered, "I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I'm not in the position to make promises, Cas... but if I still remember this night tomorrow, then we drive to a fucking beach together."

At that, Cas broke down, a soft gasp escaping before he gripped Dean’s shirt even tighter, collapsing into his embrace, a strangled sob making Dean’s heart ache. “You need to stop eavesdropping,” he chastised, voice broken yet relieved.

Dean pulled back, carding a few strands of Cas's hair out of his face. "Sorry... but... no, I'm actually not sorry I heard that." He inhaled a shuddered breath, getting lost in Cas's blue eyes, that contained too much sadness for just one guy. "I need you to talk to me. This isn't a one way street where you care about me and I do nothing. Let me be there for you, too."

Cas shook his head, a soft laugh managing to escape instead of a sob. “Even in retirement, you cannot quell your true nature.”

"You're one to talk," Dean retaliated with a smile. He found it hard to look away from Cas. Not that this was something new. For the second time this day, he wondered how it would feel to kiss him, his gaze dropping to Cas's slightly parted lips before Dean cleared his throat and looked away. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Cas gave him a small smile, but it was the first real one Dean had gotten. “Be honest with me. Talk to me. Tell me if you feel or remember anything.”

"I promise. As soon as I start to remember anything, I will tell you." He looked down at the wooden floor for a moment before he asked, "Did I ever tell you, in our time together... that I thought of you as being devastatingly handsome for a very long time? Kind of since we first met."

Cas nodded and wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. “A few times.”

“Good,” Dean replied softly before he pulled Cas into a hug again. “Then stop being sad and let us enjoy another beer, maybe on the couch, mh?”

Cas chuckled and the heat of his breath came against Dean’s neck as he murmured, “That sounds like a nice plan.”

Dean gave him a quick smile, noticing that he had no problem with being physically close to Cas. He thought he would be weirded out by now, but it didn't happen. More like the opposite. He enjoyed having him close; he liked the warmth he was radiating. Everything about this place and Cas, spelled home and comfort. 

And damn was he glad no one could hear his thoughts. "I need another beer," he replied with a grin. "And then I'll join you on the couch."

“Okay,” Cas said with a shy smile before making his way to the other side of the couch.

Dean couldn't help but smile, as he watched Cas for a few moments before he got another beer from the fridge and returned to him. He had never seen this side of Cas, at least not directed at him. This shy smile was really cute.

His heart stumbled slightly when he realized he had called Cas cute in his mind. He wondered if on some level he hadn't forgotten about their relationship. Maybe it was still in him somewhere. Maybe this was the reason why he wasn't flipping out. 

He actively sat closer to Cas on the couch than he would usually do before he gave him his most charming smile. "So, be honest, who decorated this house?" 

Cas let out a soft laugh. “You tell people I did, but it was a joint effort.”

"Is that just your diplomatic speak for I held the ladder for you and you did all the work?" Dean asked with a grin before he took a swig from his beer.

Cas shook his head and moved to stand, holding his hand out for Dean to take. With a quirked brow he accepted Cas’s hand as he was pulled to the hallway and down to the end. He never let go of Dean’s hand until they reached the last door on the left.

Cas pulled the door open and gently pushed Dean inside. The room was an exact replica of his Dean Cave, only with newer, nicer furniture and electronics, and a loveseat in place of the recliners. Cas was leaning against the door frame with a fond smile. “Like I said. Joint effort.”

“Woah,” Dean looked around with a grin before he turned to Cas. “Why didn’t you show me that before when we did the house tour?”

“You told me once you liked the surprise of finding it, so it’s not part of the tour anymore,” he said, tone a little sad.

Dean put his hand on Cas's shoulder and squeezed it before he swiped his finger over his cheek. Everything to make the sad expression go away. "Hey, um, thank you, Cas. I don't say it enough."

Cas gave him another sad smile and drew back from him. “You do actually.”

Fuck. Dean swallowed before he shook his head. "I'm so sorry, Cas. I get that this must suck for you. But I'm... trying my best to make this work, okay?"

“It’s alright, Dean. I’ll just… I’m going to call your brother back. Let him know everything is okay.”

Dean stepped in front of Cas, rubbing his thumb over his cheek. "Okay... do you wanna watch a movie or something after that?"

Cas nodded. “I’d like that.”

"Good," he gave him a soft smile. "I'll make us some popcorn, Sunshine."

Cas cringed and took a step back. “Please don’t call me that.”

"What, why?" Dean asked, realizing how much he hated when Cas stepped away from him. 

“It’s just… too painful right now.” Cas turned away and stepped out of the room, disappearing down the hallway.

Dean rubbed his hand over his face. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He kept messing up and he hated making Cas sad. He was doing so much for him. 

Dean went into the kitchen and grabbed the popcorn from the cupboard before he prepared it for the microwave. He couldn't stop thinking about Cas's hurt expression and it left a weird hole in his chest. 

He wished he could do something, anything, to make Cas feel better or to get his memory back. Dean fished the mixtape out of his pocket and looked at it, rubbing his thumb over it. He had done this before, giving Cas a mixtape with his favorite Led Zeppelin tracks. He knew why he had done this in the past. It wasn’t just a teachable moment for his best friend. He also wanted to give him something to show how much he meant to him. 

Dean turned the tape in his hand before he put it back into his pocket with a resolution. He would do everything to get his memories back, and if they wouldn’t come back, he would just make new ones with Cas.

But the most important thing was that he wanted to give this a chance. He wanted this relationship. So he grabbed a bowl and filled the hot popcorn into it, nearly burning his fingers in the process, before he went into the living room looking for Cas. 

Cas was on the couch, flipping through the inputs to get to Netflix. Dean caught the login name before Cas selected it. It was clearly a joint account for them, if the name Destiel was any indication.

He sat down next to him, putting the popcorn on the coffee table before he slid closer to Cas. “Did you speak to Sammy?”

Cas nodded and leaned forward for a handful of popcorn. “If you’d like to speak to him again, he said he would be available for the rest of the day. He said he was playing hooky. I’m not sure what that means.”

“It means he's skipping school.” Dean gave him a confused look. “Sam is back at school?”

“Yes,” Cas said with a smile, “just a community college for now, but he’s doing really well. He made the dean’s list last semester.”

“Awesome,” Dean replied, feeling happy and proud that his brother was doing something good in his life, or more importantly something he had always wanted. It was just that he missed him and wished he were there. “Is he seeing anyone?”

Cas smiled. “Yes. It’s new, but he met a young woman named Omolara in one of his classes. We haven’t met her yet.”

Dean gave Cas a quick smile. “Good, then there is a least one person I don't know because I forgot about them.” Dean grabbed his beer and took a swig before he looked at Cas again. “Cas… can I ask you something?”

“Of course, Dean,” he replied with another small smile as he took a swig of his beer.

Dean played with his bottle nervously before he sat it down on the table again. “When we were together… and we watched a movie, how did we sit on the couch?”

Cas’s smile faltered slightly as he stared at his bottle. “You liked laying across the couch with your head in my lap.”

Dean nodded. That sounded doable. “Would you be okay if we tried that? I wanna see if it triggers a memory.”

Cas tilted his head in surprise. He nodded and sat back against the couch. “If it doesn’t, I’ll understand if you wish to change positions again.”

Dean gave him a hesitant look before he laid down on the couch, lowering his head on Cas’s lap. He let out a breath that he hadn’t been aware of holding, and tried to relax and let himself feel the moment. 

It was very cozy. Cas radiated so much warmth and the couch was comfortable too. He hummed, “But I don't have to, right?”

Cas smiled down at him. “Not if you’re comfortable.”

“I am comfortable. Which is weird. I thought I wouldn't be, but I am.” He turned his face so he could look up at Cas. “Maybe a part of me somehow still knows that this is where I belong.”

Cas lifted his hand towards Dean’s face then quickly retracted it. He grabbed the remote instead. “What would you like to watch?”

Dean raised his eyebrow before he raised his hand to wrap it around Cas’s wrist. “You wanted to do something. What was it?”

“Nothing,” he brushed off with a reassuring smile as he focused his attention on the screen. “Netflix has Tombstone now.”

Dean knew it was a distraction. Cas had only suggested it because he didn't want to answer the question. But he let it go in favor of giving Cas a bright smile. “You wanna rewatch Tombstone with me again?”

Cas chuckled and shrugged. “It’s growing on me.”

“I loved when you quoted the movie with that accent,” Dean confessed, hoping it would make Cas smile as he got comfortable on his lap.

Cas quirked his brow.  _ “I’m your huckleberry.” _

Yep, that still did things to him. He remembered his alone time in the shower that night, Cas’s deep, growly voice haunting him. He chuckled nervously. “Yeah, that. You’re way too good at this.”

That was met with another genuine smile. Cas looked as though he were about to say something, but apparently changed his mind at the last minute as he started the movie.

Dean gave him a long look before he turned to the screen. It bothered him that Cas didn’t talk to him, that he was censoring himself. But he got why he was doing it. He could see how difficult this was for his friend and Dean himself had no idea how to behave around him anymore. What was appropriate and what wasn’t? What could he even say or do without hurting Cas? He hoped his memories would come back soon as he crunched on some popcorn and got comfortable. It was really nice lying on the couch like this. The rare moments when Dean had been in a relationship before, this had been his favorite part of it. Being comfortable and close to the person he was with. He tried to imagine himself being in a relationship with Cas. What this would look like. 

Seeing Cas all day, being all domestic. Cooking and cleaning stuff. Dean had wandered around, looking at their house, taking everything in.

He had spent some time in the bedroom, going through his phone to read old messages. He had looked at all the photos around the house and on his phone, hoping it would bring his memories back. 

Dean had found a selfie where he was kissing Cas's cheek, looking happy; and for a moment Dean thought he would remember something, but he had just felt a familiar sting in his heart. Envy maybe, that he had been happy and now he had lost this. Which was a very weird feeling. 

His brain had avoided imagining anything close to physical intimacy with Cas so far. Not just because he couldn't imagine what this looked like in the real world and outside of past sexual fantasies, but also because it would mean having to face the fact that he'd had sex with Cas. For real.

Dean had never had sex with a guy before. He had never kissed a guy. And it was weird to know that this had happened between Cas and him and he just couldn't remember it. 

After Dean had taken Cas with him to the brothel, and seen how nervous and shy Cas had been, almost paralyzed from the prospect of having sex. That adorable expression had featured in a few of those shower fantasies when he needed a quick release. Thinking of corrupting his angel, watching how he succumbed to sexual pleasure.

Of course he felt guilty about it and he had tried not to think about it. As long as it was just in his mind and a fantasy, he wasn't hurting anyone. It wasn't real. It didn't mean anything. 

But now his fantasies stood in a different light. He had made them real at one point in his life. The undeniable proof was his life now.

And he felt betrayed by his own brain for not remembering any of it. Because he really wanted to know how this happened. A long kept secret, something Dean had tried to keep to himself. Occasional thoughts, fantasies, and dreams were just that. These fantastical ideas that were so outrageous, they bordered on surreal. Like that time he dreamed Baby was a giant Hostess cupcake, and he and Sammy ate half of her before they borched their guts up. 

There was no way Dean wanted to eat Baby, so obviously, there was no way he wanted to be with Cas. Like that. 

But the story that Cas had told him made a lot of sense. That it wasn't something that happened overnight. That it took a lot of hurting each other to get there. To force this side out of him because he had been afraid of losing Cas. He got that.

And thinking about that, how important Cas was to him, how much he just couldn't live without him, made him wonder if he was really in love with his friend. Could that be the case?

He was attracted to him. Check. Cas meant everything to him. Check. He wanted him to be at his side forever. Check. It was a mindfuck. How had he never connected those dots in his brain?

It was so obvious when he thought about it. He was in love with Cas. And probably for a long time now, not just this last year that he had forgotten about.

He swallowed dryly before he turned in Cas's lap in favor of looking up at him. He noticed that Cas wasn't watching the movie either. He was looking at Dean, and their eyes met as soon as he turned his head.

"Hey," Dean said huskily, giving him a quick smile.

Cas’s smile was embarrassed as he murmured a soft, “Hello, Dean.”

Dean couldn't help but smile before he sat up, without breaking eye contact with Cas. He leaned closer before he asked, "Cas... um, can I kiss you?"

Cas’s eyes lit up. “Are you getting your memories back?”

Dean shook his head. “No, but I thought a lot about everything and… even if I don't remember anything in the next few days, that doesn't mean we can't make new memories, right?”

Cas appeared hesitant. “I’d… I would prefer you only kiss me because you want to, not because you feel guilty.”

“Cas, I want to.” Dean gave him a reassuring smile. “I really do.”

Cas slowly nodded and shifted closer. He cupped Dean’s cheek and gave him a shy, hesitant smile. “Okay.”

Dean returned the smile before he leaned forward. His heart was beating erratically, Cas’s lips just inches away from him, so inviting and close. He had fantasized about tasting those lips for such a long time now. 

He grabbed Cas’s cheek and drew him into a gentle kiss, sliding his own over parted, pliant ones before he hesitantly licked into Cas’s mouth. He couldn’t suppress the moan as his tongue slid over Cas’s and his heart skipped a beat. It felt incredible, kissing him.

Not at all strange because he was kissing a guy, like a part of him had feared. And he realized then the reason for this was because he was kissing Cas. And Cas meant everything to him.

When he leaned back he gave Cas a breathless smile, “Woah, that was nice.”

Cas let out a soft, breathy laugh. “You said that the first time you kissed me.”

“Really?” Dean chuckled and shook his head before he added, “Can… can I do it again?”

“I’d like that,” Cas murmured as he looked at Dean’s lips.

Dean couldn’t stop smiling before he drew Cas into a few more gentle kisses. His fingertips wandered to the back of Cas’s neck to lightly scratch over it before he deepened the kiss with a moan. Fuck, this felt amazing.

Cas slid one of his hands down Dean’s side before gripping the fabric of his shirt to pull him close. He drew back, panting slightly as he braced his forehead against Dean’s. “Dean…”

"Yeah?" Dean asked, feeling equally breathless.

“Maybe we should slow down,” he breathed out.

“Yeah, yeah. Don't worry.” Dean carded his fingers through Cas’s hair. “I didn’t want to rush things either. I'm not exactly experienced with this. I still don't remember anything, Cas.”

Cas nodded and looked down. “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to heal you completely, to prevent this pain.”

“Cas,” Dean cupped Cas’s cheek, rubbing his thumb over it. “Don’t apologize for this. You did so much for me.”

“My intentions weren’t altruistic, Dean,” he said with a soft chuckle.

Dean laughed at that before he placed a soft kiss to Cas’s lips. “That’s okay.”

Cas sighed and drew back. “I can’t do this.”

Dean leaned back with a frown. “What? What is it?”

Cas shook his head, moving to stand. “It’s just too painful. Every time this happens it gets more and more painful.”

Dean swallowed and shook his head. It wasn’t that he didn't get it, but he’d just realised his feelings for Cas. “What… what does that mean? Don't you want our relationship anymore?”

Cas stopped and looked at Dean in surprise. “No. I can’t imagine my life without you, but it’s… maybe we should wait until you get your memories back.”

Dean shook his head slowly. “I don’t need my memories back to know how I feel about you, Cas.”

Cas tilted his head. “What are you saying?”

“I mean that I have feelings for you, Cas. And for much longer than just a year,” he confessed determinedly, wondering why Cas didn’t know that. Had he never told him?

Cas visibly relaxed as he dropped to the couch and pulled Dean close. “I never know how much you forget,” he breathed out, tightening his squeeze on Dean.

“So… I told you before? How much you mean to me?”

Cas nodded against him. “When you realized the first time, you told me. But the first time when you lost your memory… you seemed to have lost all memory of loving me back.”

Dean gave him a wide-eyed look. “Did I forget about you?”

“No, just what you felt for me.”

Dean cleared his throat and looked down at the couch. “I'm sorry that I make everything so hard for you. I wish…” He shook his head. Wishing for something impossible didn’t matter anyway. He couldn’t change that this was his life now. “The only thing I can do, is tell you that those feelings for you, they grew over time. I may not have been aware of them, or even thought about them a lot… but I know I can't live without you. And I don't want to. You're everything to me. And I hope you keep being patient with me, although I keep forgetting about us.”

Cas gave him a sad smile as he said, “I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”

Dean inhaled sharply before he nodded. “Yeah, exactly.” He slid closer to Cas, his hand sliding to his neck. “So where do we stand, Cas?”

Cas shrugged. “I’m not sure. Where would you like us to be standing?”

Dean took in a shuddered breath before he licked over his too dry lips. “I want to be with you.”

The smile that curled his lips was breathtaking. “I love you, Dean Winchester. And I’m not saying it to hear you say it back. I just needed to say it.”

His heart stumbled before he leaned forward and drew Cas into a deep and breathtaking kiss. “I feel the same, Cas and I… I need you. Always,” he whispered against Cas’s lips.

Cas let out a soft, slightly choked laugh. “I really hope you don’t lose your memories again.”

"Me too. But even if, Cas." He rubbed his thumb over Cas's cheek again, enjoying the feel of his five o'clock shadow under his fingertips. “We’re just better together, and you need to remind me of that if I forget. I know you made me happy and I want to experience that with you. I know this is hard on you, but I also know how strong you are. We can get through this.” 

Cas smiled, cupping Dean’s hand against his cheek. “Thank you, Dean. I guess I need reminders too.”

“Anytime,” Dean replied with a grin before he re-positioned himself back on Cas’s lap and looked up at him. “Also this is the perfect place to watch TV.”

Cas chuckled and carded his hand through Dean’s hair. “You complained once that you have yet to find a pillow more comfortable than my lap.”

"Yeah, that sounds accurate," he chuckled as he closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying Cas's fingers in his hair. He hummed with a smile before he blinked up at Cas. "That's really nice."

Cas smiled down at him. “It is.”

“It sounded like we did this a lot. Watching movies like this. What else did we do?” Dean asked curiously, trying to get a picture of how they lived, and what their relationship looked like.

“Sometimes we go fishing; you like the more relaxing pastimes, but occasionally you take me to different gardens and we walk around.” Cas chuckled. “But mostly you prefer this. You often say, ‘I’ve got decades of laziness to make up for.’”

"That is true." Dean reached up and playfully tapped Cas's chin. "What do you prefer? I mean, you're human now. What do you like?"

Cas smiled. “I enjoy being with you, in whatever capacity.”

"Come on, that can't be all?" At least Dean hoped that. He was already feeling embarrassed by that.

“Well…” Cas ducked his gaze as he rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “The other activities we do are of a more carnal nature.”

Way to multiply the feeling of embarrassment in under a few seconds. "Uh, yeah... um, okay, huh," He looked away for a moment, licking over his too dry lips. "So that's what you like best?"

Cas chuckled. “It’s what you like best too.”

Dean rubbed his hand over his face before he gave Cas a very insecure smile. "I probably already told you this, but I thought about that a few times in the past. Having sex with you." He shook his head. "I'd never done anything with a guy, though. So it was always just, I don't know, stupid thoughts." 

Cas smiled fondly as he carded his hand through Dean’s hair. “We were both so nervous our first time.”

Dean rolled his eyes, annoyed with himself. "This is so stupid. It's not like I'm a virgin... I don't know why this feels like it, though."

Cas gently caressed his cheek. “If it makes you feel any better, I was even more terrified than when you took me to that den of iniquity all of those years ago.”

Dean gave Cas a quick smile before he leaned up, towards Cas. “That was pretty cute.” He drew Cas into a gentle kiss before he whispered, “It makes me feel a tiny bit better.” 

Cas returned his smile. “Good.”

It was weird. Now that he was allowed to kiss Cas, he couldn't get enough of feeling his soft, plush lips against his own. He drew him into another kiss, a longer one, exploring his mouth with his tongue as he buried his fingers into Cas’s hair.

“I do so enjoy kissing you,” he murmured.

Dean smiled against Cas's lips, playfully nipping at them. "Never thought kissing someone could feel like that," he confessed breathlessly.

Cas smiled and cupped Dean’s cheek. “You once said it was better than pie.”

Dean chuckled before he deepened the kiss, gently pressing Cas against the couch. The quiet moan he heard falling from Cas's lips showed him how true his statement was. "Yeah, can’t believe I'm saying it, but you taste better than pie too."

Cas let out a soft laugh. “And you taste better than PB and J.”

Dean laughed at that before he let his hand slide over Cas's cheek to his neck and shoulder, rubbing his thumb along it. He took in the sight of Cas, hair tousled, anti-gravity locks that looked both messy and intentional, drawn down to hooded eyes, chapped lips parted in a tantalizingly inviting way. "Damn, you're sexy. Do you know that?"

The way Cas’s cheeks tinged a darker shade was pretty damn cute. “You’re quite vocal about it.”

"Good," Dean replied quietly before he kissed him again, his hand sliding down Cas's side before he wrapped his arm around him to pull him closer.

Cas groaned as he wrapped his legs around Dean, his hands growing more determined as he tugged at the hem of Dean’s shirt.

"Thought you wanted to go slow?" Dean asked with a breathless smile before he pulled his shirt over his head. His fingers gripped the hem of Cas's shirt, before he pulled it up.

Cas’s pupils dilated as they raked over Dean’s bare chest. “It’s rather annoying how easily you distract me.”

Dean tossed Cas’s shirt to the floor before he pulled him into a heated kiss. "Good to know," he murmured as he pulled Cas onto his lap, letting his eyes wander over Cas's chest, the hard lines and muscles and his tattoo. He traced the lines with his fingers before he softly kissed Cas's shoulder. "Damn, this is way better than the fantasy."

“I have to agree,” he murmured as he gently started rocking his hips in Dean’s lap.

"Fuck," Dean gasped out, his dick instantly reacting to the friction. He grabbed Cas's neck to get him closer, kissing him again as he slid his palm over his chest, teasing him. "Tell me what you want, Cas."

Cas groaned and nipped Dean’s bottom lip. “I want you, in whatever capacity you can give right now.”

Dean didn't anticipate the surge of lust that accompanied Cas's words. His dirty mind conjured all kinds of things he wanted to do with Cas, and he saw that as a sign that he was ready for a bit more action than just kissing. "Wanna go over to... our bedroom?"

Cas nodded as he wrapped his arms even tighter around Dean. “Definitely.”

Dean gave him an amused look. "You want me to carry you over?"

Cas chuckled and drew back. “Sorry. Habit.”

Dean wrapped his arms around him before he stood up with Cas in his arms. "Didn’t say I wouldn't do it, baby." He had no idea where that pet name came from. Maybe he was starting to remember things?

Cas tightened his grip around Dean. “It’s funny the little habits I’m used to.”

"Would you tell me a few of them?" Dean asked as he carried Cas over to the bedroom, opening the door with his foot.

Cas smiled and kissed his neck. “You don’t like showering alone any more.”

Dean smiled before he carefully sat Cas down on the bed...  _ their _ bed. "Water preservation is important, so I've heard." He drew Cas into a kiss before he gently pushed him down on the mattress, lying down next to him. 

“You also refuse to leave without a goodbye kiss,” he murmured against his shoulder before kissing up to his chin.

Dean hummed, letting his hand slide over Cas's chest and stomach before he grew braver and scratched his fingernails over Cas's jeans, feeling the length of his hard erection under it. 

Damn, why was this so hot? "That makes a lot of sense. We should definitely continue that tradition."

Cas smiled and sat up before pushing Dean onto his back. “Dean…” he growled, “I want to ‘blow’ you. Would you be comfortable with that?”

Dean was pretty sure that his brain just fried. There was a weird strangled noise coming from his lips before he nodded quickly. "Hell yes, I'm comfortable with that." So what if most of his fantasies had revolved around Cas's lips and how much he had wanted to feel them around his dick?

Cas smiled and trailed his hands down Dean’s torso before he went for his belt. “I’m glad. I love doing this for you.”

"You do?" Why the hell was his voice so squeaky? He cleared his throat. "I mean... why not? Right?"  _ Stop being awkward Dean _ . He bit his lower lip as leaned against the headboard, lifting his hips as Cas pulled down his jeans.

Cas hummed appreciatively as he cupped Dean’s erection. “I do, very much so.” Cas gently pulled Dean’s boxers down enough that his cock sprung free, and he looked up at Dean with a hungry gaze as he wrapped his fingers around Dean’s length.

"Fuck," Dean gasped out, his eyes never leaving Cas's. He had no idea his angel could look so damn sexy. "You don't even know how often I fantasized about this moment... or maybe you do," he added as an after thought.

Cas nodded and licked the head of his dick, humming with a soft smile. “You told me your fantasies after our first time, so I made sure to keep them in mind.”

"You're perfect, do you know that? And fucking sexy. Can't believe it took us so long to be like this."

Cas smiled shyly before he wrapped his lips around the head of Dean’s cock.

Dean was sure he either died and was in his personal Heaven or this wasn't real. Because Cas's lips were perfect. Just the right amount of heat and pressure, and when he felt Cas's tongue playing with his erection he couldn't help the guttural moan that fell from his lips. "Fuck, Cas... uh, fuck."

Cas hummed around his length before he suddenly dipped lower, sucking him down to the hilt, teasing his ballsac while doing so.

"Oh fuck, Cas," Dean gasped out as he stared at him. "How... you're fucking good at this." He probably shouldn't be surprised. Who knows how often they'd had sex in the past, that he just couldn't remember. He felt a painful sting in his heart. He wished he could remember all those moments. He wished they would come back. 

Cas pulled off for a moment, gently stroking him. “You taught me what you like,” he said with a smile before he swallowed him down again.

"Gnnn." Dean closed his eyes for a moment before he gasped, "Cas, slow down a bit... Don't wanna come just yet." He wondered if he should feel embarrassed about how quickly Cas was reducing him to a hot mess.

Cas pulled off again. “Would you like to touch me?”

For a moment he hesitated but then he nodded quickly. "Yeah. Cas. Come up here for a moment." He really needed to kiss him.

Cas slid up to his face, their bodies touching as Cas settled against him. “Hello, Dean,” he murmured fondly.

Dean chuckled and pulled him into a soft kiss. "Hey," he replied huskily as he let his hand wander to Cas's jeans and popped them open. 

“I love your hands,” he breathed out as he leaned in for another heated kiss.

"Is that right?" Dean asked teasingly as he pushed Cas over and helped him out of his jeans, throwing them off the bed, his gaze drifting to his tented boxer shorts. He took in a deep breath before he grabbed the waistband and slowly pulled them down too. Cas had a really nice dick. A bit thicker than his own but maybe a slight bit shorter. He shook his head as he automatically started comparing them. He had never touched another guy's dick before, and his heart was beating erratically as he leaned forward again to tentatively wrap his finger around it. It felt hard, but the skin was soft as velvet. But the best thing was the moan that fell from Cas’s lips. And Dean realized then that it was him, doing this to Cas. It was him, giving Cas pleasure. And fuck did he love that thought. “Fuck,” he murmured as he laid back next to Cas, pulling him into a soft kiss. “You’re hot.”

“Oh, Dean… fuck,” he breathed out, clutching Dean’s arm.

"Uh, damn, you shouldn't be allowed to curse," Dean breathed out. He might have found a new kink. Cas's broken moans and cursing was seriously doing it for him.

Cas let out a breathy laugh. “You love when I curse, and it’s difficult to refrain when you touch me.”

Dean laughed and kissed him again. "It's surprisingly sexy. Everything is, from your lips.” He licked over them to underline what he had said before he added, “Your lips are addictive.”

“I think it’s why you demand kisses so often,” he groaned out.

"Sounds like it's all your fault for being so sexy," Dean chuckled against his lips, pulling him closer with his free hand, before he let go of Cas's erection for a moment in favor of licking over his own palm. When it was wet, he reached down and wrapped his fingers around both of their cocks, pressing them together as he started stroking them.

Cas groaned outright and clutched Dean’s arms. “Fuck,” he murmured before diving in for another kiss.

Dean knew he wouldn't last long with every single sensation that was slowly inundating him. Feeling Cas like that was so overwhelming and new, so exciting, that it was hard not to get swept away by the pleasure. And the way he cursed, with his low, broken voice, damn... Dean knew he was in love with the guy, and it felt amazing to finally admit it to himself.

"So close, baby," he hummed against Cas's lips, stroking them faster.

“Dean, Dean…” Cas gasped his name, murmuring it as though in prayer as his hand slid to cup Dean’s neck. “Please,” he begged.

Dean drew him into a deep, almost feverish kiss. A kiss that spoke of his desperate need to be close to Cas, to feel every inch of him, as he stroked them harder. He gasped against Cas's lips as his orgasm took over, forming words on his lips as he painted his own hand and Cas's cock with his come. "Love you."

At Dean’s words, Cas followed with a sharp gasp before yanking Dean in for a desperate and shaky kiss. “I love you so much,” he murmured against Dean’s lips.

Dean felt like floating. It was just a handjob and still it was the best sex he'd had in... ever. "Damn," he laughed and kissed Cas again. "You're aware that we won't leave this bed in the near future, right? 'Cause I have a lot of catching up to do."

Cas chuckled and cupped Dean’s cheek. “You wanted to make new memories, right?”

"Yeah," Dean replied softly before he kissed Cas's nose. "But I really hope the old ones will come back to me. I hate that I forget so much about us. I want to know everything."

Cas nodded, a sad smile. “Maybe we should start filming ourselves together for… for when it happens again.”

That wasn't such a bad idea. "Yeah, maybe not everything, but we could do that. The video I watched before helped a lot."

He carded his fingers through Cas's hair, before he rubbed his thumb over his cheek. He hated when Cas looked so sad, so he started to press gentle kisses to Cas's face, hoping at some point his sadness would go away. 

“Dean,” Cas said with a soft laugh as he barely tried to push him away.

“Don’t tell me, you’re ticklish.” Dean asked in surprise. His cheeks started to hurt. He wasn’t used to smiling so much.

Cas laughed softly and braced his hand against Dean’s chest, holding him at bay. “I’m not answering that.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Dean wrapped his fingers around Cas’s hand that was pressing against his chest and lifted it up to his lips, kissing it. “Cas… I…” He shook his head, giving him a soft smile. “I feel happy.”

Cas practically beamed at him. “Me too, Dean.”

There was a question lingering in the back of his mind that Dean had no idea how to ask because it made him incredibly uncomfortable. But he needed to know so he took a deep breath and decided to just get it over with. “Cas… um, when we…. When we had sex before, what, um, how… um, you know, what exactly did that, um, entail?”  _ Very smooth. _

Cas chuckled and cupped his cheek. “I believe your exact words were, ‘you’re the bottom to my top, Cas.’ You also sang a song but it didn’t really correlate.”

“Huh,” Dean breathed out. So they really had like full on gay sex. Of course, technically they had just had sex a few minutes ago, but a shared handjob was still a different category from real gay butt sex. At least he wasn’t on the receiving end of this. That was a big relief because as much as he loved Cas… that was something he wasn’t comfortable with. “Okay, um, good to know,” he added after a moment, still not sure if that was something he wanted to do with Cas. 

Cas smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to Dean’s lips. “Don’t worry, I have no expectations. I’m happy just spending time with you.”

“Man,” Dean rubbed the back of his neck, giving Cas an embarrassed smile. “I don’t know what I did right to deserve you.”

“You saved the world a few times, if I recall,” he said with a teasing smile.

"Well, you did too. Where is your reward?" Dean replied without thinking.

Cas chuckled. “I’m looking at him.”

"More like a consolation prize," Dean murmured before he pulled Cas closer, kissing the tip of his nose. "I still can't believe this is my life now. It's so much better than anything I thought I would end up with."

Cas drew him in for another kiss. Soft, tender, loving. He drew back and swiped the pad of his thumb over Dean’s bottom lip. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, for you to be happy. Content. And the fact that I get to share it with you? I assure you, Dean Winchester, you’re very much the grand prize, no consolation.”

"Yeah, but you're biased," Dean replied softly before he kissed Cas again. Because he could. And it was addictive.

“Still, it’s how I feel,” he murmured against his lips.

Dean rolled Cas over and deepened their kiss with a content hum. He still couldn't believe how awesome it felt to kiss Cas. If he had known that earlier... man, they could have been doing this for such a long time now. He really hated that he had forgotten all about their time together. He had so much catching up to do.

"Cas, um, when we had sex in the past. Like, you know, real sex... did you like that?" he asked carefully.

Cas hummed affirmatively as he loosely wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck. “Very much.”

_ Great.  _ So much for his hope that Cas didn’t care much about it and would be fine with Dean never wanting to try this. “Oh… okay. Why?” He asked before he could stop himself.

“Because of how connected we are. Almost how it felt when your soul was cradled in my grace when I raised you from perdition.”

Man, if that didn’t sound gay, he had no idea what did. “So what we just did… is that enough for you?”

Cas nodded and carded his hand through Dean’s hair. “Like I said, I enjoy just spending time with you.”

"I want to make you happy, Cas." Dean closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the feel of Cas's fingernails against his scalp. "I don't want you to miss anything just because I lost my memories. It's not fair to you." 

“How? How is it unfair, getting to spend the rest of my existence with the human who changed my life for the better?” 

"Because you didn't choose this. I see how much this is hurting you, that I always seem to forget about us," Dean replied softly.

Cas chuckled and shook his head. “The ‘this’ doesn’t matter. I chose you.”

He had no idea how he got so lucky. His heart beat faster before he pulled Cas into a deep kiss, rolling on top of him before burying his fingers into his hair. "Fuck, you're perfect, Cas," he murmured against his lips.

“I love you, Dean,” he whispered.

"I love you, Suns–" He stopped himself. "Cas."

Cas smiled and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Like I said, grand prize.”

Dean gave him a soft smile before he kissed him again. The dried come on his stomach started to bother him, though, and he groaned and looked down at them. “I know I said I never wanted to leave the bed, but what do you say about a nice, long shower?” He waggled his eyebrows playfully.

“I’d like that,” Cas breathed out.

Dean gave him a quick kiss on the tip of his nose, because he loved the way Cas crinkled it a bit when he did that, before he slid off the bed, holding out his hand for his angel. Although Cas was human now, for Dean he would always be his angel. He guided Cas to the shower, feeling weirdly content, and he knew he hadn’t felt this way in forever. 

When he started the shower, waiting for the water to get warm, he pulled Cas into another gentle kiss. His whole body tingled with pleasure when his tongue intertwined with Cas’s, and he couldn’t stop the moan falling from his lips. “Fuck, you’re a great kisser.”

He leaned back to look at Cas, the corner of his eye catching a movement in the mirror. He startled when he saw Cas in the mirror. His face bloody, his eyes begging, mouthing words he couldn’t hear but somehow instantly knew, were his name.

“Fuck, what the fuck?” He pressed out. 

“Dean?” Cas asked, looking around frantically. “What’s wrong?”

Dean took in a sharp breath before he looked at Cas with wide eyes, pointing at the mirror. But Cas’s image had vanished, and the mirror just showed himself with a shocked expression and mirrored Cas with a worried one. “I saw you in the mirror. But not like now… Bloody, and you were calling out to me. What the fuck is happening?”

Cas sighed. “Sometimes, after a relapse, your hallucinations from when you had the Mark of Cain haunt you.”

Dean frowned and shook his head. "This wasn't anything I saw when I had the Mark, Cas. This was different." He rubbed his hand over his face. "I mean, I remember that I had visions of you in the mirror when I had the Mark, but... not like this."

Cas furrowed his brow. “Maybe your memories are returning? And they’re mixing up with the relapse?”

Dean stared at Cas for a moment, before he licked over his lips, nervously looking over to the mirror again. Still just a mirror. "You think? I mean, has that happened before, that my memory came back and I saw you bleeding in mirrors?"

Cas grimaced and nodded. “Unfortunately.”

Dean let out a long breath, trying to calm his racing heart. “Oh great!” He replied in a sarcastic tone. “But that is just a one time thing, right? I won’t see this like… every time I look into a mirror now, until my memories return… right? Cas?”

Cas gave him a pained look. After a beat he slowly shook his head. “I’m afraid it will get worse before it gets better.”

“Oh great. And when did you plan on telling me that?” Dean rubbed his hand over his face before he shook his head. “I’m sorry. It’s not… It’s not your fault. I’m just still…”  _ Unable to finish a sentence _ , his mind supplied sarcastically. “Sorry. That was just very disturbing.”

Cas looked guilty before he ducked his gaze. “I always hope those images are gone every time you relapse, so I thought it would be best to not tell you.”

Dean sighed and pulled Cas close, and tightly into his arms. “It’s okay. None of this is your fault, Cas.” When he leaned back, he gave Cas a quick smile before he leaned in for a quick kiss. “Come on. Let’s shower and you distract me from that creepy mirror, alright?”

Cas gave him a hesitant smile. “After, we can watch your favorite Star Trek film.”

“Star Trek Four?” Dean asked with a grin as he pulled Cas under the shower with him. The warm water was exactly what he needed after that. “So you like Star Trek now?”

Cas chuckled. “I enjoy that one. The whale storyline is wholesome.”

“Wholesome?” Dean chuckled, before he carded his fingers through Cas’s wet hair, enjoying how the water ran down his sexy body. “You’re like Spock, do you know that?”

At that Cas’s smile grew fond, content. “I do know that, Kirk.”

Dean shuddered, giving him a smirk. "Hey, I'm not Canadian and don't wear a stupid toupee. And yes, I know that is Shatner and not Kirk, but the argument still stands."

Cas chuckled as he gently tugged Dean’s hair. “Just making sure,” he quipped with a small smirk.

Dean gasped playfully before he tickled Cas's sides and crowded him against the shower wall. "You're sassy, little angel."

Cas made some sort of squealing noise before he tried to push Dean’s hands away from his sides. “Not fair, you promised,” he yelped. 

Dean gave him a confused look. "I promised what?"

Cas’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “I’m sorry. You promised you wouldn’t tickle me in the shower after the last time when I slipped and fell, but you don’t remember that.”

"Oh." Dean cupped Cas's face in both of his hands and kissed him gently. "It's okay. Then I'll just promise again. I promise I won't tickle you in the shower anymore." He didn't promise to not do it outside of the shower because Cas's reaction had been hilarious. 

He couldn't help but notice that his body was reacting to their proximity and the way Cas was looking at him, pliant and trapped against the wall, a soft blush on his cheek... he wondered if Cas knew how much he was affecting Dean. He rubbed his thumb over Cas’s cheekbone before he kissed him again. A kiss that quickly turned from gentle to hungry.

Cas moaned softly, humming an ardent, “Oh, Dean…”

Cas could be in a porno with those moans. He loved his low rumbling voice, and to see him getting all hot and bothered from just a kiss was a massive turn on. “Fuck,” he breathed out before he licked at his upper lip, sucking it into his mouth, biting it softly. Cas had the best kissing lips. 

His hands slid down over Cas’s chest to his hips as he slowly rocked his erection against Cas’s. An image suddenly crossed his mind. It was so vivid that he had to gasp and stop kissing Cas. He saw them in the shower, grinding his dick against Cas’s ass. “Fuck, I think I just remembered something.”

Cas’s eyes widened, his lips curling up in a hopeful smile. “You did?”

“I think so, um, it was pretty, um… vivid. Did we make out here with you… you know, um, turned around?” 

Cas’s cheeks darkened and he nodded. “We’ve, uh… we’ve done a lot in here.”

Dean cleared his throat before he said, “Maybe doing this will trigger another memory? Um, would you turn around?” If that sounded like the cheapest excuse in the book of cheap excuse… well. But his cock was throbbing to do exactly what he had seen in that memory.

Cas nodded and turned around, casting a look over his shoulder, bottom lip worried between his teeth as crystal blue eyes locked with his.

“Don’t do that,” Dean softly chastised him, swiping his finger over Cas’s lower lip. “It will start bleeding.” He wrapped one arm around Cas’s chest, holding him close as he pressed his cock against Cas’s firm ass. 

There was a voice arguing with him that what he was doing was pretty gay, but he tried to ignore it because he wasn’t fucking Cas. He was just grinding against him. And that was still okay in his book. Because he just had this memory, and it looked pretty hot and not weird or gay at all. Just the thought of coming like that, seeing his come on this nice, firm ass....  _ Shut up, brain. _ It’s not gay. End of story.

And who could argue with his brain when Cas was making those incredible noises. Dean gently rocked into him, kissing Cas’s shoulder and the side of his throat. “Damn, you’re so hot.”

“Dean,” he murmured, his voice even deeper as he canted his ass against Dean’s cock.

“Fuck, Cas,” he groaned as his cock pulsed with need and he softly bit into Cas’s earlobe. He could feel his precome mixing with the water against Cas’s wet skin.

Cas reached back and parted his cheeks for Dean. “Is this what you remembered?” he breathed out as he craned his neck to look back at Dean.

Ugh, fuck. Dean looked down at the way Cas was presenting his ass to him. Especially his waiting hole. An ass was an ass, right? He'd had anal sex with women before. Would it really be so different? He moaned and leaned forward to draw Cas into a breathless kiss. “No… but fuck… um, Cas what do you want me to do?” 

“Do what you remembered,” he begged, voice husky and needy.

Cas’s needy voice made him crazy with want, and he couldn’t stop himself from gently prodding against Cas’s inviting hole with his dick. He wondered if Cas was as tight as he imagined him to be. Fuck, maybe he would be cool with fucking him. Maybe he should. He wanted to remember everything, and maybe this could work as a trigger, right? It was worth a try. He ignored and stifled a sarcastic comment from inside his mind before it had the chance to form. Fuck his own brain. It wasn’t exactly helpful in this whole mess anyway.

He curiously slid his hand down over Cas’s back and to his ass, slipping his finger between Cas’s ass cheeks before he gently circled his hole, putting light pressure on it. 

“Fuck,” Cas groaned out as he arched against Dean’s finger.

Dean gasped when he heard Cas cursing again. Damn it, why was that so hot? He put more pressure on his hole, the water helping to make it easier as his fingertips breached the muscle and slipped inside. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Cas moaned and nodded. “Yes,” he hissed out as he shoved himself onto Dean’s finger.

Dean groaned as he watched his finger sinking in deeper. “Fuck, Cas. I’m not hurting you, right? I mean, don’t we need… like lube?”

“If you want to go further, yes, we will need lube,” he groaned out, “but this… this feels good.”

Dean slid his finger deeper inside of Cas with a low moan, gently biting into his shoulder. “Fuck, I think… I think, I want more Cas. I want to fill your hole with a lot more.”

Cas nodded. “There’s lube in the cabinet under the sink.”

Dean raised his eyebrow. “Convenient.” He slowly pulled out his finger as he kissed Cas’s shoulder. “I’ll be right back, baby.”

The pet name came so naturally to his lips that he wondered if he had used it a lot in the past year. It was almost as quick on his lips as, “Sunshine.” But he tried to be more mindful with that one, since Cas had been hurt the last time he said it. 

He found the lube instantly and quickly made it back to Cas, wrapping his arm around him again to draw him into a hungry kiss. “Did you miss me?”

“Very much,” Cas murmured as he wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck.

Dean rocked his cock gently against Cas’s hole. “So, did we have a lot of sex in the shower, since the lube is so conveniently close?” he asked with a smile, before he sucked a bruise into Cas’s shoulder, opening the purple bottle of Astroglide with a flick of his thumb.

Cas moaned again before he breathed out, “Yes. Hence why that’s a silicone-based lubricant.”

“Kinky,” Dean chuckled against Cas’s wet skin, using both hands now to get enough lube on his fingers before he quickly pressed them between Cas’s ass cheeks, so nothing would get washed off. He didn’t hesitate as he pushed his first finger back into him again, back to where it had been. “Fuck, this is so hot.” 

“Dean,” he moaned, but it came out more like a plea. “I love when you prep me.”

“Fuck,” Dean moaned, starting to fuck Cas’s hole with his finger. That was so hot. He was preparing Cas for his cock, and he couldn’t wait to sink into this hot tightness. He could see the red mark he had sucked into Cas’s shoulder, and fuck if the thought of marking his insides with his come wasn’t even hotter. “You tell me if I need to slow down, okay? Haven’t done this in a while,” he breathed out as he worked a second finger into Cas.

Cas hummed and nodded. “Let me get used to you before you scissor your fingers,” he murmured.

Dean nodded and carefully pushed his second finger deeper alongside the first one, gently rocking them in and out. He licked over the mark on Cas’s shoulder before he decided that this one bruise looked way too lonely up there. So he latched his lips over his pulse point and sucked a second mark into Cas’s skin.

“Fuck, Dean, yes…” he hissed as he started moving his hips in rhythm with Dean’s fingers.

Dean wasn’t sure if Cas really liked getting the hickey or if the two fingers inside of him were driving him crazy, but whatever it was; Dean really loved to see it. “Yeah, baby, you’re taking them so well,” he breathed out against Cas’s skin before he started to carefully scissor him open. 

Cas gasped before it devolved into a guttural moan. “I can’t wait to feel you in me again.”

It was then that another memory hit him. A memory of Dean fucking Cas against a wall, holding him against it. Fuck! Maybe this was really helping. “Fuck yeah, keep saying stuff like that. I just got another memory, baby.” He groaned as he leaned back to get a good look at Cas’s ass, enjoying the view of his fingers working him open. “You’re ready for one more finger?” 

“Yes,” he moaned, and craned his neck to look at Dean, “Can’t wait for you to fuck me.”

Dean leaned forward for a clumsy and open mouthed kiss as he pushed a third finger inside. He hoped he wasn’t hurting Cas with his impatience. “Can’t wait to feel you, Cas. Can't wait to fuck and fill you, baby.” 

“Oh, Dean,” he cried out as he angled his hips, Dean’s fingers now grazing Cas’s prostate.

Dean thought he was losing his mind with want. “Please tell me you’re ready. I want to fuck you so badly.” He just couldn’t wait any longer.

“I’m ready! I’m ready, please, Dean,” he begged.

Okay, cursing and begging was Dean’s new weakness. He pulled out his fingers, not very gently, but he was sure Cas didn’t mind that much when he saw how he offered Dean his ass. His hole was gaping, fluttering, and Dean thought he would come just from the sight as he spread some lube over his over-sensitive cock. “Fuck,” he cursed before he lined himself up and teased Cas’s hole by gently rocking his cock against it, only breaching it for a moment before he pulled back again. He just wanted to hear Cas begging for him again.

Cas gasped and practically whined, “Dean, I need you.”

_ I need you! _

Dean gasped when a splitting headache turned his knees into jelly and sent him crashing onto the floor. “Fuck!” He groaned when suddenly everything around him was dark and he could see Cas’s face right in front of him. He was bleeding from several wounds on his face, exactly like he had seen him in the mirror before. “I need you,” Cas breathed out, his eyes pleading. “Please, come back.”

Dean blinked, trying to touch him before suddenly water rushed down on him again and he knelt on the floor of the shower. “What? Cas?” 

Cas sighed and said, seemingly to no one, “Damnit, they’re getting closer.” Cas waved his hand and suddenly everything went black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Warm sun rays tickled his nose and Dean groaned as his consciousness desperately tried to cling to the nice dream he was having. That was until his mind quietly asked him how he had made it into his bed the night before. Something wasn’t right. 

He groaned and sat up on the bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Cas was laying next to him, snoring lightly. Did they fall asleep after that amazing handjob? How in the world was it already the next day?

“Cas?” Dean reached over to Cas’s shoulder, sliding his fingertips over his sun warmed skin before he leaned over and kissed his shoulder. He wondered if he should suck a mark there into this perfect and unblemished tanned skin. He was sure it would look good on him. And anyway, Cas had marked him once with his handprint, so it was only fair to return the favor. He latched his lips onto his shoulder before he gently sucked a bruise into the skin.

Cas groaned and hummed, “If you’re hungry I can make bacon waffles.”

“But you taste so much better,” Dean chuckled as he kissed along Cas’s shoulder and sucked another bruise into his skin, just over his pulse point. Because that one hickey looked alone on his shoulder. He had a weird sense of déjà vu all of a sudden but that probably wasn’t unusual when he thought of having lost a whole year of them. 

Cas turned into his embrace and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Are you feeling alright?” He braced the back of his hand on Dean’s forehead. “Saying I taste better than bacon, I fear you may be febrile.”

Dean chuckled and pulled Cas closer, drawing him into another kiss. "Or maybe you are just very delicious."

Cas smiled and wrapped his arms around his neck. “I know what I’d like for breakfast,” he growled as he bucked up against Dean, groaning when their groins made contact.

"Oh, yeah?" Dean teased back. "What do you want?"

“You,” he murmured as he nipped at Dean’s bottom lip.

"I'm pretty sure there are better things you can put in your mouth than my lips," He replied teasingly, remembering the blowjob Cas had given him the day before – was it really a whole day that had gone by? 

Cas smiled lasciviously. “Like your cock?”

Dean swiped his thumb over Cas’s sexy lips. “Your lips would look really good down there.”

“Then you should let me go so we can test the theory,” he murmured.

Dean grinned and crossed his arms behind his head, so he could comfortably watch Cas sliding down on the bed, pulling off his boxer shorts. “Test away.”

Cas smirked and without preamble, settled between Dean’s legs before sucking him down to the hilt, swallowing his girth as he bobbed his head up and down on his length, his hand making up the shortfall.

Dean groaned, and he was happy Cas used his weight to hold his hips in place because damn it, it was so hard not to thrust up into the hot, wet heat. “Fuck, you’re so good at this.” He braced himself on his elbows so he got a better view before he reached down with one hand and buried his fingers into Cas’s hair, stroking through it.

Cas doubled down on his swallowing, pulling off to tease the head of his dick with his tongue before diving in for more, gently teasing Dean’s balls with his free hand.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean gasped out, gripping into Cas's hair. "I'm close, baby." It was almost embarrassing how fast Cas could make him lose it with just a blowjob. On the other hand, his lips were probably the most sexy lips he had ever witnessed in his whole life.

Cas nodded and hummed as his talented tongue started teasing the underside of the head of his cock. 

Dean felt like he was close to exploding. "Fuck, Cas... I'm gonna..." He pulled at Cas's hair to warn him.

And Cas started sucking him even harder.

"Cas," Dean gasped out and he couldn't hold himself back anymore when he realized Cas wanted him to come in his mouth. He came with a deep groan, watching as his angel swallowed around his cock. It was the hottest thing he had ever seen and he was sure he was dead and had gone to Heaven.

Cas swallowed around him, slowly pulling off, his tongue mopping his cock clean. Cas hummed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “So, was the theory correct?”

"What theory?" Dean replied breathlessly before he remembered. "Oh yeah, fuck yeah," he added with a chuckle, before he wiped his thumb over Cas's lips and pulled him up and onto his lips, drawing him into a kiss. He could taste his own come on his tongue, which wasn't the best taste and he wondered why Cas liked doing this so much.

That thought, and also the fact that Cas's erection was pressed against his stomach, reminded him that he should reciprocate. So, he slipped his hand in between them to wrap his fingers around Cas’s cock, starting to stroke it.

Cas let out a beautiful gasp. “Oh, Dean, love your hands,” he groaned.

Dean was happy that he was apparently doing this right. He wrapped his one arm around Cas to hold him close, using his other hand to build up a steady rhythm. He didn’t want Cas to come too quickly, because he couldn’t get enough of the breathy noises and gasps falling from his angel’s lips.

Cas kept murmuring Dean’s name before he started bucking into his fist. “Yes, yes, Dean… fuck, I… I want to feel you again,” he pleaded. 

Dean felt guilty that he couldn't do that for Cas. That he wasn't ready for this whole sex thing. "Yeah, I know, Cas. I'm sorry.... that I'm not there yet."

“I know, I just… I miss you,” he gasped out. 

It broke his heart. He could actually feel it break in his chest and he couldn't bear it. He rolled Cas over on the bed and kissed him again. "I... I want to try this. For you."

Cas shook his head. “Only when you want to, for you.”

"Cas, I want to. I want to make you happy. And I want to try this or I wouldn't have suggested it," Dean replied determinedly. He needed to at least try this. 

Cas gasped and his hips arched as he nodded. “I love coming with you inside me.”

Dean hummed and nodded before he kissed Cas again. His words made him rock hard again, and he was happy that at least his dick was one hundred percent on board with this. “Okay, um, lube? Where do we keep it?”

“Nightstand,” he murmured as he blindly reached out towards it.

Dean turned and noticed the purple bottle standing out in the open. Weird. He hadn’t seen it standing there yesterday. He was pretty sure he would have noticed a bottle of Astroglide on the nightstand. He shook his head and reached over to grab it because Cas couldn’t reach it from his position, being trapped under him. And he hadn’t planned on releasing his angel just yet. “Spread your legs, baby,” he breathed out as he opened the bottle. 

Cas obeyed readily and hummed. “Yes,” he groaned.

Dean had no idea why this was so insanely sexy. And it helped overcome the other voices in his head that felt too insecure to touch Cas's ass. He used his free hand to part Cas's ass cheeks but he didn't look. He couldn't stop looking at Cas, taking in his reaction and expressions as he circled his lubed finger against his hole before he slowly pushed into it.

Cas slammed his eyes shut as a soft moan escaped. “Fuck, fuck, yes, Dean,” he murmured as he clutched Dean’s arms.

Encouraged by Cas's reaction, he pushed his finger deeper before he started to fuck him with it, getting the muscle to relax around him. "Tell me when you need more," he breathed out, still not able to look away from him.

“I can take a second finger,” he didn’t so much say, as begged.

Cas didn’t need to ask twice. Dean hoped he wasn’t too rough when he worked a second finger into Cas, enjoying the way he arched his back and spread his legs even further for him. The thought that Cas was so open with him, wanting him in an almost needy way, it was incredibly arousing. “Fuck. Cas… I wanna fuck you. Do you have any idea what you are doing to me?”

“Oh, Dean, you make me crazy,” he groaned as he started fucking himself on Dean’s digits.

“Fuck,” Dean breathed out, licking over way too dry lips before he worked a third finger into Cas. Fuck, he couldn’t believe he was really doing this and he knew a part of him wasn’t ready, but damn, he never wanted to hear something so heartbreaking from Cas’s lips again. Cas deserved so much better.

His head was throbbing lightly and he tried to ignore the headache, concentrating just on Cas. “Hey, Sunshine, are you ready?”

The headache instantly spiked. It felt like someone had stabbed a hot needle through his eye and into his brain. “Fuck!”

He could hear Cas’s voice calling his name. Why did he sound so desperate? Everything was blurred, voices like he was underwater. He wasn’t on the bed with Cas anymore; he was somewhere else… in a barn? A hot ring of fire around him. The vision blurred again and then he was back on the bed. 

But suddenly he was alone and clothed. Dean looked around in shock before he slid from the bed. “Cas?” 

What the fuck was happening? He left the bedroom and went straight to the kitchen when he heard noises coming from there. “Cas?”

Cas was bending over the oven, pulling an apple pie from it and putting it on the counter, before he turned around with a questioning look. Dean was in front of him, pulling him into a tight hug instantly. “I don’t know what’s going on, Cas. We were about to have sex on the bed, and suddenly I’m clothed and you’re here… baking? Since when do you bake?”

His mind sarcastically asked him if that really was the most important question here.

Cas furrowed his brow in concern and cupped his cheek. “I’m sorry, Dean. Since the separation, this sometimes happens.”

“What do you mean? Do I just lose chunks of the day? I mean… what… how much did I lose? Did we have sex?” Dean felt so confused, he didn’t even know if it was morning or evening.

Cas looked saddened and shook his head. “We were about to and then your head started hurting, so we stopped.”

Well, at least he didn’t miss anything. “I’m sorry… Um, what happened then? I can’t remember anything.”

“You went to sleep,” he answered softly.

Dean rubbed his fingers over his face and forehead; his head still felt weird. “Okay, so how long did I sleep?” 

Cas shrugged and said, “About ten hours; you sleep more now.”

“Ten hours?” Fuck. That was forever. No wonder he felt so weird. “Cas… when does this usually stop… with the headaches and all?” He didn’t want to tell Cas about the weird stuff he kept seeing. The last thing he wanted to do was to freak him out.

Cas sighed. “It hasn’t yet. I keep hoping it will.”

“So what? I just have to live with this?” Dean asked slowly. “I lived with this for over a year?”

Cas looked pained at that. “Yes.”

“Fuck,” Dean breathed out as he sat down on one of the chairs. “No wonder you’re the only one with an actual job here.” He shook his head. He had no idea how Cas was dealing with him all the time. Forgetting stuff, getting headaches that were so bad that he just fell asleep mid-sex. “Fuck,” he repeated again, rubbing his hand over his forehead. This was just too much. 

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean. “At least it’s not the alternative?”

Dean looked up at him before he wrapped his arms around him too, and pulled him down onto his lap. “What do you mean?”

“Michael,” he murmured uncomfortably.

Dean shuddered and nodded. “Yeah, I’m glad you were able to defeat him. I’m sorry that I said yes… I thought I didn’t have a choice.”

Cas nodded. “I know, Dean. And if you hadn’t killed Lucifer this world would be far worse off. I just wish it didn’t come with such negative repercussions for your physical well-being.”

“Do you think I will ever get better, Cas?” Dean asked carefully. He hated that this was his life now. That he was crippled like that and couldn’t give Cas the life he deserved.

“I wish I could honestly say, but there’s never been a situation quite like yours. Not even Nick’s situation is the same.”

“Nick? You mean the guy who got possessed by Lucifer?” Dean asked, pulling Cas a little closer on his lap. He needed the closeness. He needed something to anchor him.

Cas nodded. “I forgot you found out about that after we rescued you. Yes. His circumstances weren’t all that dissimilar to yours, but at the same time, entirely different.”

“I remember that you told me getting jumped by Michael wouldn’t go over well for me,” Dean breathed out before he leaned his forehead against Cas’s shoulder. “Damn it.” 

“Is it terribly selfish of me to be grateful you’re alive?”

Dean looked up at Cas with a quick smile and shook his head. “No… I mean… it’s not that I’m ungrateful, Cas. I’m happy we have this life here. You have no idea how long I've wanted this. It’s just… I could do without the crazy.”

Cas smiled and nodded. “I know, but at least we have each other?”

“Yeah,” Dean gave Cas another smile before he looked at the kitchen counter. “And apparently we have pie.”

Cas chuckled. “You tend to be in a better mood about your situation with pie around.”

Dean chuckled at that and nodded. “Yeah, pie makes everything better. So you bake nowadays?”

“I learned after we discovered the Great British Bake Off. And your overall reaction to it was very motivating,” Cas murmured as he carded his hand through Dean’s hair.

Dean leaned into Cas’s hand and laughed. “I bet it was.” He could almost see them, sitting on the couch and enthusiastically watching baking shows together. “I wish I could remember all those times. It sounds like we still had a lot of fun in between these stupid blackouts.”

Cas nodded. “We always enjoy remaking some memories.”

“I wouldn’t mind remaking some memories on our bed, but the last time wasn’t exactly successful.” He wasn’t exactly motivated to repeat that incident, still not being sure what had triggered it.

“That’s alright, Dean. I’ll be happy to just stay in your arms,” he whispered.

Dean was pretty content with having Cas in his arms too. He nudged his nose against the underside of Cas’s chin before he kissed him there, letting his lips trail down to Cas’s throat and shoulder, as he pulled his shirt to the side to get to his skin. He frowned when he noticed Cas’s unmarked skin. “Weird. I thought I left a hickey right here.” He rubbed his thumb over the area of Cas’s throat.

Cas smiled. “Is that your subtle way of asking to mark me?”

Dean gave Cas a confused look. “Um, yeah, um, no actually… you said you’re human, right? Or do you still heal super quickly? Because there is no way that after ten hours your skin would look like this again.” Something wasn’t right. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Cas furrowed his brow as he got up and braced the back of his hand against Dean’s forehead. “Are you alright? Is your head hurting again?”

It was the last thing he heard before it felt like hot piercing needles were stabbed into his brain. He cried out and fell to his knees, not seeing anything. He felt fire, flames. It smelled like dry earth and ashes. 

_ Dean! _

Cas’s voice called out to him as he tried to open his eyes and look up from where he was sprawled out on the floor. 

But everything was dark. The ground under him was soft. There was a blanket under him, and the red glowing numbers of the clock next to the bed he was sitting on, showed it was after two am.

How was he back in bed again? He had just been in the kitchen. What the hell was going on?

Cas was lying next to him, obviously sleeping. Dean didn’t wake him, he just slipped out of the bed and wandered to the kitchen. He opened the door and he saw the pie Cas had made. Two slices were missing. He wondered if Cas ate them, or if he had lost time again. 

The last thing he remembered was Cas being on his lap, telling him about some cooking show, and then everything was hazy. He remembered Cas being concerned about his headache. Did he have a headache again? Maybe he had lost consciousness and Cas had carried him to the bed again.

He pulled the pie out of the fridge and cut off a big slice, because he had earned this, before he put it onto a plate and sat down at the table. It smelled really good, and he groaned when he took a bite. Man, this was what Heaven must taste like.

_ Dean. _

Dean startled when he suddenly saw Cas leaning against the counter. Just that this wasn’t his Cas. He was wearing the full on trench coat get up, he looked… different. Somehow younger, and more powerful. He tilted his head, his gaze intense, even in the dark room.

He remembered this Cas, from when they first met. It was the moment when Cas had threatened to throw him back into hell. It was a memory. 

Dean slowly got up from the table, getting closer. “Cas,” he breathed out. 

The other Cas was just staring at him before he asked with a head tilt, _ What are you dreaming about? _

The voice reverberated in his brain and Dean fell to his knees in pain when the headache instantly engulfed him again. “Fuck!” 

More voices overlapped, directly inside his brain, talking all at once; he could only make out fragments during the intense pain in his head. 

_ I'm the one who gripped you tight / Angels are warriors of God / raised you from perdition / This isn't funny, Dean / I am your friend / I’m hunted, I rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you / Hello, Dean / Share a more profound bond / Watch over you / Doing this for you, Dean / I was getting too close / I'm sorry, Dean / One step ahead of them / Thank you for everything / I always come when you call _

Dean screamed, now the pain was getting too much. And then it was over. And only darkness remained.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Warm sun rays tickled his nose, and Dean groaned as his consciousness desperately tried to cling to the nice dream he was having. That was until his mind quietly asked him how he had made it back into his bed. Something wasn’t right. 

Dean sat up on the bed and looked around. He felt incredibly confused. The bed next to him was empty, so Dean stood up, feeling slightly weak in his knees. “Cas?” 

He remembered waking up in the middle of the night, getting pie… But what had happened after that?

“In the kitchen, Dean,” Cas called out.

Dean slowly walked into the kitchen, trying to piece together what he remembered. He felt like he was slowly losing his mind. “Cas,” he breathed out when he walked up to him and pulled him tight to his body. “I’m going nuts. I’m seriously losing it.”

“Dean,” Cas whispered as he turned in his arms and cupped his face, “we don’t have much time…”

“What do you mean? What’s happening?” Dean asked slowly.

Cas frantically looked around and looked into his eyes, a shade of blue Dean hadn’t seen in the angel’s eyes in years. “This isn’t real.”

“Baby, what are you talking about? What isn’t real?” Dean asked, trying to understand what was going on. 

Cas looked heartbroken. “We’re trying so hard to save you.”

“What are you talking about? You’re confusing me, Cas. I thought we were safe. We have our life now. What we always wanted… come on, you even made me pie.” Dean didn’t understand anything anymore.

Cas started fading out like a ghost, the warmth of his hand dissipating. “I will save you if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Cas? Cas!” Dean yelled as he tried to hold on to his angel. But he was gone, and suddenly he was all alone. The clock behind him was the only noise in the kitchen, and it sounded too loud in the empty room. He felt trapped.

A reflection in the window made him look up, and suddenly he saw Cas again, his face covered in blood.

He startled with a cry and Cas name on his lips as he woke up in Cas’s and his bed again, the sun shining warm into the room. “What? What… the?” 

Cas was immediately at his side, pulling him into a hug. “Cas.” His voice broke as he pressed his face against Cas’s shoulder. “I’m… I’m going nuts.”

“You say that every time,” he murmured fondly.

“I don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know… how many days have gone by? How much have I missed? How did I even get back into this bed? I’m tired of waking up here, not even knowing how I ended up here again. It’s like a fucking groundhog day from Hell.” He knew he was yelling and Cas didn’t deserve this, but he was reaching his limit here.

Cas winced and nodded. “I’m so sorry, Dean.”

“I don’t know what to do, Cas,” he pressed out, trying to get his breathing under control.

“I’m here for you.” Cas hummed, and carded his hand through Dean’s hair. 

“Can we just… just stay in bed and do nothing?” Dean asked quietly. He just wanted the world to go fuck itself.

Cas nodded. “Those are my favorite days.”

Dean pulled Cas close to his body, trying to hide himself from the world in his warmth. “I don’t know what I‘d do without you.”

“Well, thankfully you don’t have to know what that’s like,” he murmured.

“Promise me you will always be here, okay? I don’t want to wake up one day and you’re gone.” Dean wasn’t sure what he would do then. 

Cas cupped his cheek. “I’ll never leave you, Dean.”

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, trying to concentrate on the feeling of Cas’s hands. This was real. He was here now, with him. Cas was real. He could touch and feel him. He could feel his warmth. He opened his eyes again before he leaned forward for a soft kiss. 

Real. This is real.

“I need you, Cas,” he whispered.

“I’m yours, Dean,” he returned before he drew him in for another kiss.

Dean deepened it, feeling desperate for closeness. “Cas,” he breathed out, sliding his palms over his bare chest down to the hem of his boxer shorts, before slipping his hands inside, grabbing Cas’s firm ass to pull him closer.

Cas gasped before it turned into a moan. “Dean…”

Dean squeezed Cas’s ass, massaging into the flesh as he swallowed Cas’s moan into a kiss, before he slowly pulled down the soft cotton fabric to free the rest of Cas’s perfect skin. 

His mind reminded him again that this was real. He wanted this to be real. He wanted to feel Cas, finally, so there would be no doubt left, that this was his life. With Cas. Now. “I want you.”

“How much?” He growled as he started undulating against him.

“Want to fuck you, Cas,” Dean growled. Because he fucking needed this. He needed something real to lose himself in. 

Cas nodded. “Do it, fuck me,” he begged.

Dean pulled Cas’s boxer shorts off completely before he reached over to the nightstand to grab the lube. He didn’t hesitate spreading the lube on his fingers, before pushing them against Cas’s hole, his angel already spreading his legs, welcoming him. “Fuck, Cas,” he leaned over him to pull him into a deep kiss, before he pushed one finger inside. He knew he was being rough. “Sorry,” he mumbled, “I just… I need you.”

Cas groaned and nodded. “I need you too,” he breathed out.

Dean worked a second finger into Cas, pretty much instantly starting to fuck and stretch him with them. “If you want me to slow down you need to tell me, baby,” he breathed out, as he rubbed his erection against Cas’s legs, before he bit softly onto Cas’s lower lip.

“No, I like when you’re aggressive,” he groaned as he started fucking himself on Dean’s fingers.

That surprised Dean to hear, but he wasn’t going to question it. He needed this and Cas was willing to take him like this. It was all that mattered in that moment. Cas had his back, like always. It was real. This was something he knew.

He licked into Cas's mouth, tasting his tongue, before he tried to push in a third finger.

_ Dean! Hold on! _

Dean stopped, leaning back to look at Cas. “Did I hurt you?”

Cas furrowed his brow. “No, it feels so good to feel you this way again.”

“Why did you stop me then?” He asked in confusion, scissoring Cas a little slower and gentler now, still just using two fingers.

“I didn’t,” he murmured as he bucked against his fingers with a deep moan.

Fuck, he was probably hearing voices again. He shook his head to shake it off, trying to concentrate on what was real. On being here with Cas, who looked mesmerizing under him, writhing with want. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?” he asked quietly before he kissed along Cas’s throat, finally working his third finger into his angel.

_ Dean!  _ “Oh, Dean!” Two voices called out at the same time, both belonging to Cas.

It wasn’t real. It was just his stupid head, messing with him. He tried to ignore the other voice. He deserved to be with Cas. After everything, he needed this so badly. “Cas, I think you’re good… I want you.”

Cas nodded, lip trapped between his teeth. “I want you, Dean.”

Dean pulled his fingers out of him, never stopping looking at Cas. Fuck, his angel was beautiful. He quickly lubed up his cock before he slid over Cas, pulling him into a deep kiss. “Love you so much, Cas,” he mumbled, sliding his cock into position.

Cas moaned. “I love you, Dean.”

Dean slowly pushed into Cas, trying to memorize every inch; he sank lower into the hot tightness as he lost himself in Cas's blue eyes. It was his favorite place to get lost. He had never thought he could be so close to Cas but for some reason, it still felt like there was a wall between them. He couldn't put his finger on it. It was just a weird feeling. "Can you put your arms around me?" He asked quietly. He just needed Cas to be closer.

Cas smiled and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck. “You feel so good.”

Dean gave him a soft smile, drawing him into a gentle kiss as he finally bottomed out and stayed like that for a moment, just trying to concentrate on the connection he had with Cas in that moment. “Can’t believe we’re having sex,” he murmured, “I’m happy we can finally do this.”

“Me too,” he breathed out as he drew him in for a needy kiss.

Dean was glad the voices had finally subsided as he started to thrust into Cas, answering him with an equal need. He wasn’t sure how long he would last; the tightness and the way Cas was everywhere around him, it just felt too perfect. “Not sure how long I’m gonna last, baby.” 

“I want you to come in me,” he begged through a gasp.

“Fuck,” Dean breathed out as he quickened his pace, fucking Cas hard and deep. Just imagining coming inside of Cas… leaving something of his inside of him. Something that would stay with Cas, even if was just for a while. It was a surprisingly comforting thought in a world where everything was fleeing from him, vanishing into nothingness, like his memories. “Wanna feel you come, Cas. Show me what I’m doing to you.”

Cas moaned as he took hold of himself, pumping his cock in rhythm with Dean’s thrusts. “You make me so happy!”

Dean wasn’t sure where to look. He rubbed his thumb over Cas’s lower lip, his gaze flipping from the lust filled expression on Cas’s face down to the way Cas stroked himself. He was sure he hadn’t seen anything hotter in his life before.

Who would have thought his dorky little angel had a side like this? Fuck, what he would give to remember all the moments that had led to this one. 

He quickened his pace, pulling Cas into a dirty, open mouthed kiss, moaning, “So close; come for me, Cas.”

“Oh. Dean,” Cas breathed out in a sharp gasp, his fist flying a little faster before he cried out as he coated both of their chests in his release. 

Dean felt Cas clench around his cock, and the feeling combined with seeing Cas like this pushed Dean over the edge with him. He pushed deep as he came with Cas’s name on his lips, almost like a prayer. 

He lost himself in a gentle and lazy kiss when he tried to calm down from the high, chuckling against Cas’s lips. “You’re perfect.”

Cas chuckled in response as he cupped Dean’s cheek. “I love you, Dean Winchester.”

“It never gets old hearing you say that, sunshine.”

_ Dean! Please! _

Dean leaned back with a frown. Fuck, he had almost forgotten about the voices. He hoped he would stop hearing them soon before he remembered something. “Damn it. You told me to stop calling you sunshine. I'm sorry, Cas.”

Cas furrowed his brow. “Are you okay?”

Dean nodded before he shook his head. “I'm hearing your voice… but not like your  _ your _ voice. Like stuff you said in the past or just you calling my name.”

“That happens often too,” he said with a soft, disappointed sounding sigh.

“Will it go away?” Dean asked carefully.

Cas sighed and shook his head. “It hasn’t yet.”

_ Damn it.  _ “I don’t get how you haven’t put me into an asylum yet.”

“I would never,” he said in an incredulous tone.

Dean gave Cas a soft smile before he pulled him into a gentle and grateful kiss. "Thank you. Seriously. Without you... I don't know what I would do." Which was a lie. He would probably have shot himself already.

Cas gave him a soft smile. “You won’t ever have to know.”

Dean carded his fingers through Cas's hair with a mirroring smile before he realized that he was probably crushing Cas. He carefully pulled out of him before he slid next to him, wrapping his arms around his torso, and dropping a kiss on his nose. "Tell me something nice. Anything."

Cas chuckled and turned on his side, gently tracing his fingers over Dean’s chest. “You and I were talking about getting a pet before you lost your memory. We argued over what creature it should be.”

"You're kidding." Dean couldn't help but laugh at that. "Did we decide on anything?"

Cas chuckled and nodded. “You said, and I quote, ‘since you liked Scooby so damn much, fine, we’ll get a dog.’”

Yeah, that sounded like him. "Well, we can get a dog, but he will ride in your car. He won't get in Baby."

“I know,” he said with a soft laugh.

"And we'll call him Scooby," Dean added with a smirk. Oh man, they really had a white picket fence life, just minus the fence, and him being on the abyss of descending into madness... but other than that. "Maybe this would be good for both of us."

Cas smiled and nodded. “I think so too.”

“Maybe we could do that tomorrow. Go to a shelter and just pick one.” Dean took in a deep breath. “Even if I don’t remember anything tomorrow. Let’s still do it.” 

“As long as you’re feeling up to it,” Cas said, tone serious and concerned.

“I could write myself a note… in case I forget?” Dean asked thoughtfully, wondering if that might help.

“Videos work better for you,” Cas murmured.

Dean swallowed dryly, his heart was hurting for Cas. Who knows how often he had gone through this. "Okay, then I'll do that," he whispered before he drew Cas into a gentle kiss. "I love you."

Cas smiled, but it was a sad expression. “I love you too.”

"Hey," Dean complained as he rubbed his thumb over Cas's cheek. "Don't look so sad, or I won't stop kissing you for the next ten years."

Cas purposely pouted then.

"Well, you can't say I didn't warn you." Dean shrugged before he started peppering Cas's face with kisses, purposefully looking for areas where Cas might be ticklish.

Cas started laughing and half-heartedly pushing at Dean. “You’re incorrigible.”

Dean gave him a soft smile. "And you're my sunshine. Especially when you smile, so keep doing that."

_ Cas, you have to accept that we might not get him back. _

That was his Mom, it had to be. Her voice would always stand out to Dean, no matter how messed up his brain was.

Dean sat up with a frown. This wasn't a memory. His mom was talking to Cas. And not to him. There was no way this was a memory. 

"What the hell?" He slowly slid off the bed before he squinted his eyes at Cas. "Cas, um, baby, did you see my phone?"

Cas furrowed his brow in concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just thought I should call Mom.”

At that, Cas looked heartbroken. “Your uh… your mother didn’t make it.”

“What?” Dean pressed out before he shook his head. “What do you mean? When did… what happened?”

Cas sighed as he sat up. “Before we could isolate Michael from your mind, he was still in charge. He… he got the revenge he wanted upon her in exchange for your brother’s life.”

No. That couldn't be true. Dean shook his head again. "Cas... when Michael still had me, did you try to save me? Did my mom tell you to give up?"

Cas ducked his gaze with a soft nod. “I… I was reckless in trying to save you.”

“What did you do?” Dean asked carefully. He still couldn't accept that his mom was dead. Something was wrong.

“I… I tried to make deals with demons.” Cas’s voice was barely above a whisper.

"Why?" Dean breathed out. "Why the hell would you do that?"

Cas sighed. “I wanted you back. I wanted you  _ safe.” _

"And what about you, huh?" Dean practically yelled back. "How do you think I would have felt to come back to you, just to lose you again?"

Cas visibly cringed. “I just wanted you safe,” he repeated, voice even quieter.

Dean was back at the bed in an instant, grabbing Cas's cheek. "Cas, you will never... never do this to me. Do you hear me? Promise me, no matter what happens, you will never make a deal with a freaking demon!"

Cas looked away from him. “I can’t promise you that.”

"No, Cas." Dean shook his head and pushed his chin up so he would look at him. "You have to!"

There were tears brimming in Cas's red-rimmed eyes. “I love you, and I will always do what I can to keep you safe.”

“You don’t love me if you could do something like that to me. You might as well kill me yourself,” Dean replied angrily. “So I want you to promise me to never make a deal with a demon.”

Cas nodded and turned away from him. “I understand.”

“Do you?” Dean asked incredulously.

Cas sighed. “Jack had similar conversations with me.”

Dean took in a deep breath. “And?” He was starting to lose his patience with Cas for being so monosyllabic.

“Well, I didn’t. But perhaps if I had, you wouldn’t have all these problems.”

“I might have a fuck ton of problems, Cas, but I wouldn't survive them without you being there for me... Don't you get that?”

Cas sighed and nodded. “Better than you would think.”

“Nothing is worth losing you over it. Nothing. So please, never even think about making a deal with a demon,” Dean repeated, trying to get this into Cas’s thick skull.

“I didn’t!” Cas snapped.

Dean stood up from the bed again with an angry huff. “You’re confusing me. First you tell me that you tried making deals with demons and that you can't promise me that you won't try that again, and now you claim that you didn't think about it? What the hell, Cas?”

Cas shook his head. “I was telling you I didn’t make a deal, so can you drop it? Please?”

“No, I can't drop it!” Dean yelled back, feeling suddenly claustrophobic. He needed air. He pulled on his jeans and buttoned them before he quickly slipped into his shirt. “I'm going out!” he huffed out before he left the room.

“Dean!” Cas called out, but he didn’t follow him.

He didn’t listen, he just grabbed the car keys on the living room table and his jacket from a chair before he went outside. The night was chilly, and he took in a deep breath before he walked up to his car.

It felt good, calming even, to sit behind the wheel again. He started his Baby and just drove, trying to find the next bar. He needed this. 

Stupid angel. He tried to calm his anger but it was burning in his chest and a part of him felt guilty about the fight. It wasn’t that he didn't get where Cas was coming from. He had done the same shit, and he would die for Cas… but what he wanted a lot more was to live for him, with him. 

He startled and hit the brakes when the road in front of him suddenly stopped. Not because of road work or whatever. There was a big chunk of nothing right in front of him. Like someone had taken an eraser, erasing the street and forest in front of him. Instead there was only white nothingness. 

He slowly got out of the car and got closer to the hole. What the hell? 

Was this real? Was he imagining this? He carefully reached out to the white before he touched it.

And suddenly he was standing in a ring of holy fire. Cas, Mary and Sam standing in front of him.

“Cas?” He asked carefully.

“Dean,” he said with a relieved sigh.

He looked around, feeling confused. He was in some kind of barn. “What is happening? Where am I?”

“You’re in Kansas,” Cas answered simply.

Dean rolled his eyes, a Wizard Of Oz reference on his tongue, that probably would go right over Cas’s head anyway. He looked at his mom and Sam. “Why the hell am I in a ring of holy fire, guys?” 

He wasn't sure why he was even indulging this obvious hallucination. This was clearly not real.

“It was the only way we could reach you,” Sam said, expression forlorn and a pretty significant beard covering his normally youthful face, “I don’t know how much time we have, but we needed to make sure… make sure that…”

Mom sighed. “Make sure you were still in there.”

“In there…” Dean frowned before he took in a deep breath. “Michael… I'm still possessed?” 

Dean wondered if he was experiencing a memory, and that in reality he was standing in the middle of the street a few minutes from his house. “Is this a memory?” It was probably a dumb question to ask a hallucination. “You guys already saved me.”

Cas looked broken. “No, Dean. We haven’t.” He turned to Mom and Sam. “Michael must have created a pleasing world for him, like Gadreel did with you, Sam.”

Dean shook his head. “No. This isn't real. This is just some fucked up hallucination.” He rubbed his hand over his face. He should have never left Cas. What had he been thinking leaving the house like that with all the problems that were going on with his head. 

“My life is real,” he murmured to reassure himself. “Cas is real. There is no way my life isn't real.” 

The three of them looked at each other in dismay. Cas started rifling through his coat pocket, pulling out a cassette tape. “We’re very much real,” he said as he tossed the tape to Dean.

Dean caught it. It was the mixtape he had made for Cas. The plastic felt warm and hard under his fingertips. It felt real.

But it couldn't be. If this was real, then this would mean that everything he had shared with Cas was a lie. That Cas didn’t love him and he would never be with him. And Dean needed this. He needed this life and to be happy. 

A tear ran down his cheek before he tossed it back to Cas. Cas who was still an angel. Not his Cas, who was human and was getting old with him.

He shook his head. “I can’t. I need to go back. Cas is probably worried.” Another tear ran down his cheek. “I need to wake up. Go away.”

“Dean, please,” Cas implored as he held the tape against his chest. “We won’t be able to drive Michael out if you choose to stay trapped in your mind.”

“Let me go,” Dean pleaded quietly, just looking at Cas. “Please. I just want to be happy.”

Cas looked pained and let out a resigned sigh before he turned his back. Sam stepped forward and said, “We need you, Dean.”

Dean shook his head. “You don’t. You never did.” He turned away from Sam to look at his mom. “Take care of them… and you. I'm sorry but… I can't come back. I can't lose… what I have waiting there.”

It didn’t matter if it wasn't real. It felt real for him. It was what he always wanted. And when they killed Michael, he would die happy in the perfect life he had with Cas. He could die feeling loved. “I don’t want to be saved. Just kill Michael.”

Cas sighed and tossed the cassette back to him. “You never did, Dean Winchester,” he breathed out, eyes stormy and defiant as he turned away and left the barn.

Dean looked after him for a moment, feeling an unpleasant sting in his heart that his best friend wasn't even saying goodbye to him. He let the tape drop on the ground, feeling his heart break with the noise it made falling to the floor, before he looked at Sam. “I'm proud of who you became, Sammy, but this is goodbye. Please… look after him.” 

“It’s… it’s not that simple, Dean,” Sam said with a sigh, “We… Cas sacrificed a lot to get through to you.”

A cold shiver ran over his body. “What do you mean? What did he do?”

Sam shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. Not anymore.”

“What do you fucking mean ‘it doesn't matter’? Of course it matters. It's Cas. What the hell did he do?” Dean yelled at him, worried that Cas had done something stupid.

“He sacrificed his grace. It was a one in a million chance it would work, that we’d get through to you, keep Michael bound for a brief period of time.” Mary shook her head and wiped the sleeve of her shirt over her cheek.

“No,” Dean mumbled in shock before he fell to his knees. “No, no, fuck…” It was exactly like in his world. Cas had done something that made him human to save him. Maybe this really was just a memory. He looked up in shock when he realized that they needed to keep fighting. If they gave up on him, he would never have his future together with Cas. His mind reminded him, that if this was just a memory, he didn’t have any influence on the past, but it didn’t stop him from looking up at Sam. “Fuck, get him out me, Sam. Get Michael the fuck out of me! Please!” And then he started yelling, because this couldn’t be the last time he saw Cas. Suddenly he felt panicked that something bad was coming, sucking him in, and he wouldn’t see Cas again… not like this. “Cas! Cas! Please! Come back! I know you can hear me! Please don't give up on me.”

Cas stepped through the doorway, clearly having not gone very far. “You have to expel him, Dean. We can’t do it.”

“How? I don't know how!” Dean pressed out, something was clawing at his mind, something was dragging him back and he could start seeing things. A nightstand, their bed, appearing right in the barn. “Cas… Help me.”

“Reject it all, Dean, reject it  _ all!”  _ Cas called out, reaching out for him before Sam and Mary held him back.

“Cas!” Dean reached out before darkness engulfed him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. “I lo–”

Everything went black.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Warm sun rays tickled his nose and Dean groaned as he slowly fought his way out of the dream. Just that it hadn't been a dream. 

Dean sat up, quickly crawling out of the bed as he noticed Cas standing in the doorway. “This isn't real,” he breathed out.

“What is reality anyway?” he countered, casual and soft.

Dean shook his head. “It’s the place where the man I love got hurt because of me. And I will go back to him.”

“And then what?” Fake Cas asked in a resigned tone.

"Then I kick Michael's ass," Dean replied with a growl, anger overwhelming him in that moment when it really hit him what Cas had done. That he had sacrificed so much. He wanted to get out now just on principle, so he could kick his best friend's ass for that move.

Cas let out an uncharacteristic bark of laughter. “Because it’s that easy.”

Dean crowded "Cas" against the next wall, growling, "It may not be easy, but I don't care. I reject you, I reject this fantasy you created. So fuck off, Michael." 

“Cas” gave him a pointed look. “You don’t have to, Dean. The happiness you felt... that was real.”

The worst part was that Michael wasn’t lying. And Dean knew if he went out there he would lose this. The moments of pure bliss and happiness. The moments he could be free, with no fear of being judged. A world with no consequences. With no real decisions.

Dean wondered if a part of him had always known that this life wasn’t real. That maybe this had been the reason for him accepting it so easily. Because Michael was right. It hadn't mattered to him that this world was just a fantasy. It had felt reassuring because a part of him just knew that in this world, Cas would stay with him. In this world, Dean would never be alone.

He stepped closer and touched “Cas’s” cheek. “I know.”

Dean would lose feeling like that. And if he fought his way out, Michael would probably kill them all. Only an archangel, wielding an archangel blade could kill Michael. The truth was that he had nothing… except–

“Why the memory loss and the pain? If you wanted me to live in this fantasy world, why didn't you make it perfect?” He asked slowly, trying to engage Michael in a conversation while he thought through his options.

“Cas” chuckled and shook his head. “Then you would have never believed it was real. You’re too cynical.”

“Okay… so if I decide to stay…” He stepped closer, sliding one hand deliberately down “Cas’s” arm and to his waist. “Would you give me a perfect world? One where Cas would never have a reason to look sad?”

“If that’s what you want. I can make you happy, Dean,” “Cas” cupped Dean’s cheek. “I can make you happier than you would ever be out there. You can just let go.”

Dean slid closer, Cas’s name on his lips and a prayer in his mind that begged for forgiveness, even when Cas probably wouldn't hear it. 

He knew he was still standing in the ring of holy fire and he could still feel it, warming his skin on the fringe of reality. He could also feel the cold metal of the archangel blade in his hand before he grabbed it and plunged it into Cas’s heart… his own heart, not only rejecting Michael and the fantasy, but also his own happiness. 

Dean coughed blood as he looked at “Cas's” shocked face, and he pushed the blade deeper, feeling it piercing through his own heart. “You should have done your homework, Mikey,” Dean coughed and took in a pained breath. “Not the first time I would die for my family.”

“Cas's” eyes started to glow and then he screamed in agony.

The last thing Dean saw was his wings burned into the wall. His family would be safe. Cas would be saved.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

There weren’t any warm sun rays when his consciousness slowly dragged him out of the darkness. His head was cotton ball fuzzy, like a bad hangover from drinking all night and a train had run him over afterwards.

Dean groaned and rubbed his hand over his face, trying to piece together what had happened. When he blinked against the low light, he recognized his own bed in the bunker. 

His memories suddenly hit him, and he quickly pulled up his shirt to look at his chest. He should be dead. He had used the archangel blade on himself to kill Michael with his own hand. Why was he alive? 

Dean slid his fingers over his unscathed chest with a frown, before he slowly pulled it down and slid from the bed.

Maybe he hadn’t made it. Maybe this was all still a dream. 

He slowly walked up to the door, but the moment he started to open it, it was opened from the other side. Cas was standing in front of him, a glass of water in his hand.

“Cas?” Dean breathed out. Was this really Cas? Or was this Michael?

Cas immediately dropped the glass and it shattered on the floor as he pulled Dean in for a hug. “Dean!” He breathed out barely above a whisper.

Dean startled before he gently pushed Cas away from him. He needed to be sure. “Is this real?” Which was probably a dumb question. If this was still Michael fucking with him, he wouldn’t tell him. “I mean… what happened? I should be dead. Is Michael…?”

Cas sighed and nodded as he bent down to pick up the broken shards of glass. “He’s dead. He’s gone for good.”

Dean frowned as he looked down at Cas. “Cas… why am I still alive? I should be dead too.”

“You almost were. Sister Jo, she… she saved you,” he murmured, almost sounding embarrassed.

“Jo? The angel?” He asked before he knelt down, helping Cas to pick up the shards. He was slightly distracted by the expression on Cas’s face, and didn’t pay attention when he suddenly felt a biting sting at his fingertips. “Ah,” he breathed out, seeing that his fingertip was bleeding from a glass shard. Damn. 

_ Wait a minute. If this hurt… then this wasn’t a dream, right? _ Could a fantasy dream world even hurt? Dean looked up at Cas, before he realized that his friend was probably embarrassed because he knew what Dean's fantasy dream world had looked like... He had given him enough information to piece that together, right? Cas had seen the life he had lived when he had tried to get through to him.  _ Oh, holy fuck. This was going to be awkward. _

Cas gently braced his hand on Dean’s wrist for a moment before he winced. He retracted his hand and sighed. “Come on, let’s get you to the first aid kit.”

"It's nothing, Cas" And then Dean remembered that Cas couldn't heal him anymore because he had sacrificed his grace for him. He swallowed dryly before he stood up, pulling Cas up with him. "You... you really sacrificed your grace just to get through to me?" he asked slowly.

Cas ducked his gaze and nodded. “We had to know if you were still in there.”

"And then? What was the plan?" He still couldn't believe Cas had done that.

“To save you. We… just didn’t anticipate you not wanting to be saved.”

He had planned to get angry about that with Cas. Yelling at him for throwing his grace away for him, but in the end... who was he to judge? He had just killed himself to save them from Michael.

Dean felt heat rising in his face. "Um, I see. Um... how much, um, did you see, you know, when you were, um, in there?"

Cas shrugged and shook his head as he tossed the glass shards in a trash can in the bathroom, before he busied himself with the first aid kit. “Not much; only fractured pieces, and a lot of it didn’t make much sense.”

“Pieces like what?” Dean asked slowly when he leaned against the sink.

“A couple of times you were naked, so I pulled back because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he said as he opened the first aid kit and pulled out tweezers and some rubbing alcohol pads they pilfered from a hospital.

Dean swallowed dryly, not being able to look at Cas. "Um, and when you stayed?"

Cas shrugged. “Mostly the moments you shared with the version of me Michael created.”

Dean cleared his throat when he thought about how many of those moments he had shared with dream!Cas had involved kissing and sex. He took in a deep breath before he looked up at Cas, longing to just reach out and pull him into a kiss again, just like he had done all those times before. But if this was real... He shook his head. "I... I got to be honest, Cas. I'm still not sure this is real. What he created... it was real for me. It felt real."

Cas nodded and stood up straight, untying his tie before he started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Um, Cas? What are you doing?” Dean asked as he slid back from him.

Cas rolled his eyes before he pulled the shirt off and turned around. There were two ghastly scars on both of Cas’s shoulder blades. “Did your Cas have these scars?”

"Fuck," Dean breathed out before he stepped closer, tentatively touching the angry red marks. "What... Is that your wings?"

Cas nodded, turning his head to the side as he said, “They were. Michael wouldn’t have given my doppelgänger these marks because he wouldn’t know what the marks of a grace sacrifice look like. None of us did, because it has never happened.”

So Cas had seen enough to at least know that his doppelgänger was human. Dean's finger traced gently over the mark. "Does it hurt?"

“Not anymore,” he said as he turned back around and started buttoning his shirt closed.

Dean massaged the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Cas. I... don't know what to say."

“There’s nothing to say. I’m just glad we got you back,” he quietly confessed before he proceeded to continue cleaning the cut on Dean’s finger.

There was silence between them for a while, and Dean had difficulties even looking at Cas. He tried to breathe calmly through his nose, trying to settle the whirling emotions in his chest. "I'm sorry I made this so difficult," he murmured after a while. "I just... I was happy, and I thought..." He shook his head. "I wanted to believe that it was real."

Cas let out a soft laugh, entirely unamused. “I’m sorry it wasn’t.”

Dean took in a deep breath before he looked up at Cas. "I'm not... I'm not sorry it wasn't real. This world also sucked a lot. But Michael did one thing pretty right." He pushed himself off and away from the sink since Cas was done anyway. "He showed me pretty impressively that you're always the one who gets fucked over, helping me."

Cas let out another soft laugh, this time more resigned than anything else. “The difference between him and me? I don’t see it that way.”

And then Dean got angry again. He turned around and glared at Cas. "Oh, yeah? You have no idea what my life looked like over there! Or what he had done to you in this world? That this Cas had sacrificed everything for me just to look after me... And I kept forgetting about our life together, hurting him every time in the process. I know now that none of it was real, but fuck you for saying that, because you just sacrificed being an angel for me too... and for what? Huh? How is that not you getting fucked over?"

Cas was calm and completely unmoving as he stared Dean straight in the eye. “Because sacrificing my grace to save you, to bring you back to your family… is anything but. I’d do it again in a heartbeat if I could.”

He was so afraid to ask, but after a moment of just staring at Cas he had to. "Why?"

Cas shook his head with a sad smile. “The why doesn’t matter.”

He should take the out. This was too close to a truth he didn't want to hear. That Cas just did this because Dean was family. Because they were like brothers. 

Something he had said to Cas about a million times but had never meant. Because Cas was so much more to him. 

"I–” He stopped himself and shook his head, not knowing what to say. “Cas… um, thank you for saving me. For getting through. I wouldn’t have managed to break out on my own.” 

He hated himself for that lame ass expression of gratitude, the image of Cas's scars still bright in his mind.

Cas shook his head. “Just take advantage of your second chance. That’s all the thanks I need.”

Something about that stung in his heart and he gave Cas a weak smile. "Advantage, huh?"

“Yes,” was all he said as he straightened his coat and started tying his tie after putting the first aid kit away.

"Yeah, well... all I ever wanted kind of died with that fantasy world. So... I probably need time to get used to that." Dean replied sarcastically.

Cas quirked his brow. “And what was so unreachable in the dream world, that you’re convinced you can’t have it here?”

Dean stared at Cas for a moment, his lips moving but no words coming out. He took in a shuddered breath before he turned around. "I can't tell you."

Cas braced his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Why?”

It was almost too much to feel Cas's hand on his shoulder. "Cas." He slowly turned around, swallowing dryly, "You really didn't get it from what you've seen in my head? It was just you in this house with me. No one else."

“That doesn’t answer my question. How is it something you can’t have here?”

Fuck, did he really needed to spell it out for him? 

He huffed out a frustrated breath before he yelled, "Because we didn't just live together like we're doing now, Cas! We had a life together! Fuck, we  _ were _ together."

Cas’s cheeks tinged a darker color as he ducked Dean’s gaze. “Oh.”

"Yeah," Dean breathed out before he stepped away from Cas. "So now you know. I'm sorry." He turned around. He really needed to go back to his room. Hiding there forever seemed like a pretty solid plan.

“That still didn’t answer my question,” he called out after him.

Dean stopped dead in his tracks before he slowly turned around. "What?"

Cas stepped closer and carefully licked his lips. “I said that didn’t answer my question. Why can’t you have that here?”

Dean slowly shook his head. "You're not... This isn't real." He felt confused because this couldn't happen. Cas couldn't mean this.

“I think we’ve established I’m real, Dean.”

"But you don't–" He still stepped closer to Cas, unable to hold back or fight against the gravitational pull. “You get what I meant by, ‘together’, right? That the times you saw me naked it was because I had sex with you?” Because fuck it, he needed to make this clear for Cas.

Cas let out a huff of laughter. “Why do you insist on not answering my question?”

_ Fuck everything. _ Dean grabbed Cas's face and pulled him into a needy kiss, pushing him back against the wall as he deepened it with a soft moan.  _ Oh, fuck, this was real. This was so real.  _

He instantly noticed the differences. The subtle imperfections, like the scratch of Cas’s stubble against his skin, the faint taste of coffee and something sweet on Cas’s tongue, the hitch of breath falling from Cas’s soft but dry lips. This was fucking real and Dean couldn’t help the sob that escaped his throat when he realized what this meant.

It meant he could really have this.

Cas cupped his face, expression intensely concerned. “Dean?”

"You really want this?" Dean asked breathlessly, wiping the back of his hand over his eyes, before he looked at Cas's again. Taking a moment to get lost in unending ocean blue, he said, "Because you have to be sure. I might hurt you down the road, but… fuck, if you say yes to me, I will never let you go again. You're it for me, Cas, and... I'm not good luck."

Cas shook his head, a soft smile curling his lips. “The human being I fell for, in more ways than one, once said to me, ‘I’d rather have you, cursed or not.’”

Dean breathed out a laugh and he wasn't sure if it sounded a little bit hysterical. "Oh, okay... Damn it." He stared at Cas, open mouthed, before he chuckled and shook his head. "Alright. Can't say I didn't warn you." 

And then he kissed him again. Because he could.

Cas gasped into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck as he succumbed to the whirlwind of need.

"Cas," Dean gasped against his lips. "I'm sure everyone is eager to see me, but fuck, can we go back to my room? Because I really need you right now."

Cas’s eyes widened and he nodded mutely. “Okay.”

Dean knew Cas hadn't exactly had a lot of experience, and he needed to keep that in mind instead of confusing him with his alter ego. He grabbed his hand and pulled him back to his room, closing the door behind him. "You sure? ‘Cause you can say 'no', Cas."

“I… I want to, I’m just… I’m nervous,” he confessed a little sheepishly.

Dean cupped his cheek and rubbed his thumb over it before he pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. "There's no need... You know I'm shit with words... I just want to show you what I feel," Dean explained as he carefully pulled Cas to his bed. He kissed him again, sliding his hands under Cas's trench coat to push it off his shoulder. "You don't need to wear your coat inside, sunshine."

Dean flinched as soon as he said it. "Fuck, is.. is it okay if I call you that?"

Cas practically beamed at him. “It’s my favorite of your names for me.”

"It is?" Dean breathed out in surprise. He wouldn't have guessed it with how the other Cas had reacted to it. On the other side, this Cas hadn't been real.

Cas nodded as he pulled his jacket the rest of the way off. “I enjoy all your names for me, but that one in particular…”

Dean gave him a bright grin. "Good, that's good. 'Cause I like calling you that; it's the most fitting for you." He drew him into another soft smile before his fingers fumbled with Cas's tie, slowly undoing it.

“Why is that?” Cas asked with a head tilt, smile curling his lips.

"Don't make me say it, Cas," Dean complained with a chuckle as he nudged his nose against his cheek and kissed Cas behind his ear and down his throat, enjoying the way his five o'clock shadow left stubble burn on his lips. 

Cas hummed appreciatively. “I won’t, then.”

"And that's why you're perfect, baby," Dean breathed out, opening the first few buttons of Cas's shirt to get to the skin there. He was sure if he sucked a mark on Cas's shoulder, this time it would stay there. And Dean wanted it to stay so badly.

Cas gasped and drew him in for another desperate kiss. “I’ve changed my mind…” he murmured between kisses.

"Mmh?" Dean hummed before he leaned back feeling worried. "About what?"

“My favorite name you use for me,” he growled as he started tugging at Dean’s shirt.

Dean felt equally relieved and turned on by Cas's admission, as he impatiently grabbed the hem of his own shirt and pulled it over his head, throwing it behind him; before he unbuttoned the rest of Cas’s, pushing it from his shoulder. “Good,” he murmured before he latched his lips to Cas’s shoulder and sucked a mark into the skin, just like he had promised to himself.

“Oh, Dean,” Cas groaned as he clutched Dean’s arm.

"Fuck, I love when you say my name like that," Dean murmured against Cas's shoulder, leaving a few more kisses on his marked skin before he gently pushed Cas down on the bed. He knelt in front of him, looking up with a smirk as he undid his shoes, before he toed off his own.

He slid over Cas, pushing him back on his bed before he pulled him into a deep kiss, sliding his fingertips over Cas's chest and nipples, teasing them.

Cas gasped again, arching up into the touch. “I love you,” he murmured quietly.

Dean looked up at him with a gasp. He hadn't expected to hear those words from Cas's lips. At least not in this context.

He slid closer, looking at him with a soft smile before he replied, "I love you, Cas. And I need you. More than you think."

Cas gave him a knowing smile. “I think I have an idea.”

Dean smiled back before he kissed him again, his fingers trailing lower over Cas's stomach. He grinned against Cas's lips when he felt the muscles twitch under his fingertips. When he reached the waistband of Cas's suit pants he hesitated. He leaned back so he could look at Cas. "Are you okay with more?"

Cas nodded. “I’m sorry I’m not more experienced,” he said, not quite meeting Dean’s eyes.

"Actually, that's kind of hot," Dean confessed. "And I'm looking forward to showing you everything." He leaned forward to kiss him again, trying to reassure Cas. "And for now, I just want to touch you. I don't have anything here for more anyway."

Cas smiled and cupped Dean’s cheek. “I can’t believe you want me like this.”

Dean carefully popped open the button of Cas's pants, giving him one of his most charming smiles that he usually just reserved for the ladies (and who was he kidding, he'd tried it a lot on Cas in the past). "I've wanted you like this for a very long time now, Cas. I was just pretty good at repressing it... But not anymore."

Cas looked at him like he invented the world. “I’m glad you’re not repressing it any longer,” he confessed with a gasp.

Dean gave him a sheepish look. "I hate to say it, but I have Michael's fantasy world to thank for that. It made me realize how much I wanted this with you. And how happy you made me... just for staying with me." He looked away with a sigh. "I know that wasn't you. It was just what I wished for, but yeah, once I was really confronted with those thoughts, I couldn't and didn't want to repress them anymore." 

Cas gave him a small smile as he leaned forward to kiss Dean. “Thank you for choosing us.”

"Fuck, I wish I would have known that you liked me that way. I had no idea. You always seemed so.... untouchable." Dean kissed Cas's cheek and carded his hand through his soft hair. "Since when did you like me that way?"

“Since you chose to save that town,” he murmured.

"What town?" Dean asked before he realized what Cas was referring to, "Baby, that was like ten years ago!”

Cas shrugged. “Just a blip in my lifetime. I’ve loved you for ten years and existed for a millennia, yet I never lived until I met you.”

"Cas," Dean complained, feeling embarrassed with Cas's confession; so he pressed his forehead against his angel’s shoulder and kissed him there. “Don’t say shit like that. You’ll give me a big head.”

Cas chuckled. “That would look strange.”

"Exactly. And you don't want me to look strange now, do you?" Dean chuckled as he nibbled at the skin of Cas's throat before he slid on top of him, drawing him into a deep kiss.

“Dean, you make me crazy,” he groaned.

Hearing Cas's groan made his heart stumble, and he couldn't help but rock his erection against Cas's hip, noticing that his angel was enjoying this as much as he was. "How about we get rid of all that fabric between us then?"

Cas bit his lower lip and nodded. “I’d like that.”

Dean rubbed his thumb roughly over Cas's lower lip, so he would stop biting it. _ Fuck, _ he loved those sexy lips so much.

He sat back and opened his own jeans, quickly shedding them and his boxer shorts before he helped Cas with the rest of his clothes. Dean noticed another thing now that differed from his fantasy, as he looked down at Cas’s erection. He licked his lips as he breathed out. “Well, my fantasy about you just didn’t do you justice.”

Cas’s cheeks reddened as he pulled Dean in for a needy kiss.

Dean felt like he fell in love with Cas all over again as he wrapped one arm around him to pull him close for a kiss, wrapping his fingers around both of their erections, drawing them together. He started a slow pace, the fingers from the arm laying around Cas buried in his hair as he got lost in Cas's eyes, listening to his moans and breathing. "You have no idea how devastatingly sexy you are."

Cas moaned Dean’s name over and over again as his eyes widened. “Dean… Dean I’m… uh…”

"Yeah," Dean leaned over to kiss him, quickening his pace. "Let go, baby."

Cas gasped and immediately heeded Dean’s ardent command, hips stilling as he coated both their torsos in his come. “Oh, Dean.”

It only took a few more strokes to follow Cas down the rabbit hole, Dean gasping out his name before pulling him into a deep kiss. When his heartbeat and breathing started to calm down he leaned back to look at Cas. "You make me so happy, Cas."

Cas let out a relieved sounding laugh. “You make me very happy, Dean.”

Dean carded his fingers through Cas's hair with a smile. "I would have never believed I could have this. Something that makes me happy. Having a life with you." He leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Promise you'll stay with me, Cas. No matter what."

Cas smiled and gave Dean an amused, yet slightly incredulous look. “If you think for one minute I would ever leave you, you clearly don’t know me.”

"I hope you never realize how clearly out of my league you are, Cas." Dean gave him a quick smile and kissed his forehead before pulling him close. "I want to do the whole thing with you. You know... going on a vacation, getting a pet. And you sleep here now, just so you won't get stupid ideas like going back to your room."

Cas chuckled. “Any other requests?”

Dean gave him a thoughtful look, "Yeah, you better be there in my bed next to me when I wake up next time."

Cas nodded and leaned in for another kiss. “Done.”

“Good,” Dean murmured before he lazily kissed him again, enjoying their closeness and shared warmth. “I can’t believe I can finally have you like this,” he murmured more to himself.

“You can have me however you like,” Cas murmured fondly against Dean’s cheek.

Dean leaned back a little bit so he could look at Cas. “But what do you want Cas? You’re human now, right? I mean, have you ever thought about what you wanna do with your life?”

Cas shrugged and said, “I didn’t think much past saving you.”

"Why am I not surprised," Dean replied with a chuckle. "Well, you got plenty of time to think about this now." He kissed Cas's cheek before he slowly sat up. "Come on. Let's take a shower."

“Dean?” Cas asked as he moved to grab his shirt from the floor, “At what point should we tell your family you’re awake?”

Dean looked down at his body with a smirk, "When I'm not sticky with your come anymore and we're dressed."

Cas nodded, looking down sheepishly at the drying come on his own torso. “That’s a good idea.”

Dean waggled his eyebrows when he pulled Cas close for another kiss. "I'm full of good ideas. And after that, I'm gonna introduce you to mom the way I should have done the first time she met you."

Cas tilted his head, a bemused smile curling his lips. “And how is that?”

Dean cupped Cas's cheek, giving him a serious look. "I'm not going to treat my feelings for you as a secret anymore. You're the one for me, Cas. And I want the rest of my family to know that."

The way Cas smiled at him was breathtaking. He tentatively reached out his hand for Dean’s. “Then let's get cleaned up.”

When Dean wrapped his fingers around Cas's, he squeezed his hand reassuringly, hoping to show Cas that it was okay to touch him in every way he wanted. 

He reassured him later under the shower again, with words, but also his lips that worshipped every inch of his body. Especially those hip bones. 

A dull ache in his heart made it difficult to breathe when his eyes landed on the scars on Cas's back again. It still felt like Cas had sacrificed too much, even when Cas didn’t want to hear it or didn’t feel that way.

When they were clean and dressed again they made their way to the library, where Sam, his mom, Jack and Bobby were sitting and talking quietly. Jack was the first one to notice them. He smiled brightly, calling out to them, “Dean, you’re awake!”

Dean nodded with a smile when everyone turned around to look at them. He was still holding Cas’s hand, not letting go. “Hey, guys.”

Sam was the first one up and out of his seat, coming towards Dean and pulling him into a fierce hug. 

He patted his shoulder and laughed, still not letting go of Cas, even if that made the hug kind of awkward. "Sam, come on. Not the first time I died,” he joked, trying to lift the mood.

Sam socked him in the shoulder. “Not funny,” he complained, tone light.

"Sure it is. Right, Cas?" He gently pulled Cas closer and smirked at him.

Cas quirked his brow. “I have to agree with Sam.”

Dean gave him a playfully shocked look. "You can't do that anymore. It's against the rules. Since you're with me, you always need to back me up. Haven’t you read the fine print?"

Cas looked thoroughly confused by that, whereas Sam laughed outright and shook his head. “That’s not how relationships work.”

"Don't listen to him, Cas. He just wants you to be on his side," Dean replied with a smile before his Mom hugged him with a laugh, a surprised expression on her face as she looked between the two of them. Bobby, who stood next to her, seemed equally confused. Jack was just grinning.

"Yeah," Dean added before he let go of Cas's hand in favor of wrapping his arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer. "So Cas and I... we're together now."

Sam chuckled. “Like that’s any different from before.”

Cas tilted his head. “It’s actually quite different.”

Dean leaned over and kissed Cas's cheek to make it clear for everyone. He gave Cas one of his fond smiles that was reserved strictly for Cas. "Yeah, very different."

Mary smiled and said, “Took you long enough.”

Dean would have been lying if he said he hadn't been worried about his mom's or Bobby's reaction to this. "Yeah, I know," he murmured before he hesitantly looked at Bobby, who was like a father to him- even if this guy wasn't really Bobby, but Bobby from an alternative universe. "Seems like I needed to die again to realize I don't want to go on with my life without having Cas at my side."

Bobby shrugged. “You could do worse.”

Dean gave the man a relieved nod and a smirk before he turned to Cas again. "I definitely couldn't do better."

“Cute you thinking I was talking to you, Dean,” Bobby said with a chuckle.

Dean laughed at that. "Ah, well, that makes a lot more sense." Dean couldn't look away from Cas. How did he always manage to look so... adorable? "Anyway... I just wanted to thank you guys. For not giving up on me. I understand that you needed to kill Michael, but you tried to save me." He nodded. "So thank you."

And he meant it. For the first time in his life he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to get his fucking reward and to get something good for a change.

They all deserved this.

Sam chuckled and nodded. “And now we’re out of bad guys.”

Cas furrowed his brow. “Aren’t there still supernatural creatures?”

"Yeah," Dean pulled Cas closer and kissed his temple. "But you know what? We've earned some down time. And I really need a vacation. So who's ready for a roadtrip to the beach?"

There was a chorus of cheers as Cas turned to cup Dean’s cheek. “I’d prefer we not share a room with your brother this time.”

"We won't." Dean rubbed his thumb over Cas's cheek and got lost in Cas's eyes, forgetting the world around him. "We'll have plenty of alone time. But the most important thing is that we get to do things together from now on. Make some nice memories."

Memories that would stay.

“I think we’re off to a good start,” Cas murmured.

"The best," Dean hummed in agreement, pulling him closer.

He promised himself to make the most of this second... third... or probably millionth chance he had gotten. He would make this life count. No more sacrifices, no more loss, no more pain. 

This was their happy ending. 

_ **The Beginning** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: MY DUDES. We totally forgot to tell you. We switched roles again! Any wrote Dean, and I wrote Cas. Could y'all tell? LOL. Either way, we hope you liked one of the many ways it would have been great to see Dean and Cas become canon in the show. Le Sigh. 
> 
> Anyway, we hope we bring you guys some entertainment during the last Hellatus. <3<3<3<3<3


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